


The Personal Assistant

by theremin



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-01-29 12:29:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21410194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theremin/pseuds/theremin
Summary: Richard is a neurotic billionaire in need of a personal assistant, Jared is a whistleblower in need of a new job.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 79
Kudos: 128





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [【授翻】The Personal Assistant | 私人助理](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362150) by [sukinano](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sukinano/pseuds/sukinano)

_**HOOLI IN HOT WATER - AGAIN**  
(Reuters) Hooli stands accused of collecting and collating sensitive medical data on their users. A whistleblower by the name of Jared Dunn provided The Washington Post with documentation indicating medical information shared on the popular social media platform HooliSocial has been collected and used both in advertising and sold to the medical industry, without users' knowledge or consent. This marks another scandal for the beleaguered tech giant._

_**IS THIS HOOLI'S WORST ETHICAL BREACH YET?**  
(Wired) [...] To break it down, Hooli put a link in every HooliSocial user's inbox to a health questionnaire, which promised to provide statistics on how healthy they were in comparison with the rest of the population and their friends, as well as recommending the best health insurance for their situation. The information users provided was monetised in a variety of ways - say, if you said you had gastric issues ads for Pepto Bismol might start to appear regularly. So far, so familiar, but according to documents leaked by whistleblower Jared Dunn (a former project manager at Hooli) the information was also anonymised and sold off to the medical industry for statistics, and health insurance companies could pay to be "recommended". While this scandal might get lost in the noise of what has truly been a terrible year for Hooli, it marks another starkly crossed boundary in the private lives of users. [...]_

* * *

Jared Dunn adjusted the screen in his Prius, trying to get the bright sun out of his eyes. He looked at his GPS. The neighbourhood was swanky, which you could tell by the houses being far apart. Space was the ultimate luxury in San Francisco these days. Finally he reached a gate, stepped out of the car and pressed the calling button.

"Hello?" a female voice replied.

"Yes hi, this is Jared Dunn, I have an appointment with Richard Hendricks?"

The gates neatly and elegantly swung open, and Jared got back into his car and started driving. And driving. After another five minutes, he reached the actual house. It was an elegant, art deco style bungalow (Jared guessed from the thirties) and a short Latina woman was waving at him. He raised a hand and followed her directions, and parked his car in a lot with three other cars parked in it. 

"Hi, Jared Dunn," he said, reaching out his hand to the woman. She shook it with an amused look. 

"Pleased to meet you, I'm Lupe. I'm mr Hendricks' housekeeper. If you'll follow me."

"It's a lovely house," Jared said when they entered. 

"Used to belong to a movie star," Lupe said. "I think it still has a little Hollywood glamour to it. Mr Hendricks isn't really one for interior design though. I keep telling him, just hire someone to do it for you, it will look so much nicer... he still just orders stuff from Ikea."

Jared looked around. While the architecture was elegant and refined, it was as Lupe had pointed out full of pretty cheap furniture (under-furnished, really, for the size of it) and the artwork seemed to be limited to framed movie posters. 

"Well, here we are," Lupe said, ushering him into a small office. "sit down here and wait, and I'll let mr Hendricks know you're ready to see him. Would you like something to drink?"

"Oh, no thank you," Jared said.

"Are you sure? We have a very good selection. Name your poison."

"Really," Jared said. "but thank you."

"Alright, suit yourself."

She disappeared out of the door and Jared tried to sit straight and comfortably on the chair, wanted to look as professional as he could. Suddenly a man burst in, skinny, frowning and radiating nervous energy. He wore a hoodie and washed-out (actually washed out, not pre-washed out) jeans. Jared had seen him before, at events, but never actually spoken to him or been this close. Silicon Valley's youngest self-made billionaire, Richard Hendricks.

"Oh uh, hello," Jared said getting up. "I'm--"

"I know who you are. I think the whole city knows who you are. The man who blew the whistle on Gavin Belson." Richard sat down on the opposite site of the desk without shaking Jared's hand. He smiled, but it wasn't friendly. His eyes were large and kind of bugged out, and he pressed his lips tightly together. 

Jared nodded, sitting back down. "I know who you are too. You're Richard Hendricks. And I understand you're in the market for a new personal assistent."

"You must be pretty desperate. You're vastly overqualified for this job, it's usually a straight out of college thing."

"I am," Jared said quietly. "whistleblowers may be celebrated in some circles, but employers prefer loyalty. This is the first job interview I've been able to get since leaving Hooli."

"You know the terms, I assume you read the description."

"Yes."

"It's a three month engagement."

"Yes. Is there any possibility for renewal? If you're pleased with my performance?"

"No," Richard said. "I never keep a PA for more than three months."

Jared tilted his head. "May I ask why? Is it a security measure?"

Richard made a noise that might have been a giggle. "No. It's because the job fucking sucks, and I don't want an employee that hates me. Three months seem to be the tipping point."

Jared smiled benignly. 

"Okay," Richard said, huffing a little. "let's go through all the bad shit first. First of all, I want you on call 24/7. You sleep here, at the house. Which means. No. Like guests, no girlfriends. You will organise all my meetings, travel, normal shit. You will also assist me in case of personal and medical emergencies."

"Medical emergencies?"

Richard sighed. "I'm under a lot of stress. Basically, you'll be cleaning up a lot of vomit. Are you comfortable with that?"

Jared shrugged. "Sure. But don't you have a cleaner?"

"I do. She's not here all the time though. You would be."

"I see."

"When I had to go before congress, I literally shit the bed," Richard said, looking him in the eye.

"Is that a regular occurence?" Jared asked.

"No. God, no. I'm just... laying it out there." He fanned out his arms. "I don't even give a shit if it ends up on Twitter or Reddit or whatever. I'm a fucking disaster, and everybody knows it, and I know it, and the only way I know how to deal with it is to have a fucking live in nursemaid. It's a lonely and weird job with a lot of responsilibity."

Jared nodded. "Understood."

Richard shrugged. "Have I scared you off yet?"

Jared smiled a gentle smile. "No. It sounds perfect."

Richard snorted at that. "Please."

"It's been a very difficult time for me, after I gave those documents to the Washington Post," Jared said. "very um. Intrusive with... the. The media attention. And everything. I just need to get away. I want something else to focus on. Staying in this house and taking care of somebody else really does sound perfect."

"Okay," Richard said, nodding a little, appearing to consider that answer. "um, well, now you've heard the bad, let me tell you about the good. The salary is very generous. All expenses are paid. You get your own credit card, just put everything on that. You have a few hours off every Sunday where you can do whatever the fuck you want. There's going to be a lot of travel, I've got a project coming up in Maui, so uh that might be enjoyable."

Jared nodded. "Sounds good."

"So uh, tell me what you know about Pied Piper?"

Jared smiled. "Oh, I think I know the most of it. You founded it five years ago with the help of your COO Monica Hall and programmers Bertram Gilfoyle and Dinesh Chugtai. Together you created a revolutionary new internet which is quickly becoming world standard and already outranks normal ISPs in developing nations. Your algorithm is the most coveted and closely guarded IP in the business. Bill Gates said you're 'making the internet a better place', which didn't go down well in the Hooli offices at all, let me tell you."

Richard smiled a little. "Heh."

"Any dev's dream is to make something that will become an approved PiperNet app, but it's fiendishly difficult, and even now only about two dozen apps can be used on PiperNet."

"Can you tell me why?"

Jared shrugged. "To keep it exclusive?"

"No," Richard said. "there's a reason PiperNet doesn't have scandals or Russian trolls, or that we haven't been linked to terror, genocide or election tampering. Control. Every app we give an API to are vetted and risk analysed within an inch of their lives."

"I see."

Richard looked away, and Jared followed his gaze. On the wall was a framed photo. Richard was in it, younger and fresh-faced, his hair longer with wild curls straying into his eyes. He stood next to Monica Hall, who Jared had met several times when he still worked for Hooli, and they were flanked by Chugtai and Gilfoyle, as well as the mysterious Erlich Bachmann, whose whereabouts nobody currently knew.

"It's a nice photo," Jared said.

Richard whipped his head back to stare at him. "Uh. Yeah. Good times. But you know, life changes. So um, honestly, I think I have everything I need, like you were vetted before you even received my address, so uh, if you really want the job, you can have it."

Jared smiled. "Thank you. Yes, mr Hendricks, I do."

"Call me Richard, please."

"Okay. Richard."

"So like uh, when can you start?"

"How about right now?"

Richard grinned, got up. "Follow me, I'll show you your room."

They walked silently through the house and down a hallway. "So uh, here's my room," Richard said, opening a door. Jared followed a little unsurely. It was as sparse as the rest of the house, a double bed (it looked like more IKEA - the MALM model if Jared wasn't mistaken), a side table with three books on it, and a string hanging down from the ceiling. Richard walked on and opened another door, leading into a large bathroom, replete with bathtub, and walked through it to yet another room. It was a bedroom, smaller, with a decently sized single bed, a desk, a cupboard, a large window with a pretty view of the estate, and another door which Jared assumed went back into the hallway. "Ta dah."

Jared walked over to the bed. "Is that what I think it is?" he asked, a little amused.

"Yeah," Richard said.

"How Victorian!"

"Um like, whether I buy or develop tech, I ask myself why. I could always get or make something which would be open to security breaches, sensitive to power cuts or bad Wifi, or be dependent on me finding and opening my phone..." Richard reached a hand out and flicked the bell next to Jared's bed, making it give off an echoey ring. "...but why would I do that when a regular bell on a string is impervious to everything except a pair of scissors?"

"You call, I come?"

Richard smiled a little sheepishly. "Yeah. Are you alright with that?"

Jared sat down on the bed, closed his eyes and smiled. "Yes, Richard. Yes, I am."


	2. Chapter 2

It was late, the sun had set, and Jared Dunn had gotten a new job, been briefed and given access to Richard Hendricks' calendar, been briefly back at his condo to pack up his life, and was currently unpacking it in the small, studenty room that was to be his home for the next three months. Clothes went neatly on hangers in the tall dresser (with a mirror thoughtfully hung inside), the few books he'd grabbed found a home on the simple wall shelf, he found sockets for his chargers, and he was wondering what to do with his toiletries - was he really expected to use the bathroom that joined his room with Richard's? That seemed unlikely - when the bell rang and he jumped. He stalked through the bathroom and opened the door to Richard's room. Richard was standing there, looking down at his phone.

"Six seconds. Wow. I think that might be a record."

"What can I do for you, Richard?" Jared said.

Richard smiled a little. "I just wanted to check."

Jared nodded. He had seven years work experience at Hooli under Gavin Belson, he wasn't unfamiliar with this brand of casual mind game. "I can do better," he said.

Richard stared at him for a couple of beats. "Okay. Go back in your room."

Jared went back, and sat down on his bed, breathing deeply. In through his nose and out through his mouth, yoga breathing.

The bell went off.

Jared shot up and strode through the bathroom, opened Richard's door.

"Four seconds," Richard said, approvingly. 

"I can try-"

"No, no, uh, no. Um. Good. That's good. Well uh. You can, um," he said, flapping his hand, before sinking down on the floor, out of view behind his bed. Jared frowned, and stepped forward to see what he was doing. Richard was lying on the floor on a sort of floor chair - half back support, half knee support - typing on a MacBook, which illuminated his face in an unflattering way, drawing stark shadows from his nose and the hollows of his eyes. Jared quietly went back into his own room. 

* * *

Richard didn't like asking for things, Jared quickly realised. He wanted people to instinctively know what he wanted before he'd said anything. That was one point where he differed greatly from Gavin, who liked telling you in detail what he wanted you to do. Some times his employees made the mistake of thinking his banal requests were a metaphor for something greater, but Gavin wasn't a man of great imagination, just a man who knew what he wanted. It wasn't going to be like that with Richard. So Jared asked other people what he wanted instead. He asked his secretary, Holden, he asked Lupe, he asked the driver, Bob. And he watched, and he made notes. He discovered something of a talent for making Richard's life comfortable. He thought he might even be able to change some of his bad habits. The first time he tried was at three AM on a Wednesday.

Jared had slept deeply when the bell went off, and it woke him up so suddenly he jumped in bed, heart racing, trying to orientate himself before everything coming back to him, and he rushed up and into Richard's room.

"Richard?" he said, blinking in the dark. "Are you okay?"

"Take this away," Richard said hoarsely. He walked over and nearly tripped over a bucket next to Richard's bed which he'd thrown up into. The sick, sweet smell of it had a tang of familiarity - all the engineers in the valley seemed to be fuelled on energy drinks, and the smell of them had provided a subtle, chemical note to every tech campus Jared had ever visited. Jared went into the bathroom, tipped it out into the toilet and rinsed it, and took it back out into the bedroom, put it next to Richard's bed. 

"Thanks," Richard said weakly, balled up under his duvet. 

"Maybe you should cut back on the Rock Star."

"Like maybe you should shut up," Richard mumbled. "go back to bed."

Jared sighed, then he went into the kitchen and made ginger tea with honey. He came back into Richard's room and put on one of the lights. Richard covered his head with the duvet. "What the fuck? Put the light out," he whined.

"I made you some tea."

"What?"

"It'll soothe your stomach."

Richard sat up, slowly, with a suspicious frown on his face. His chest was bare and he was wiry and pale. "I didn't ask you to do that."

"Okay," Jared said. "sorry. I'll pour it out."

"No, bring it over."

Jared walked over, sat down on the side of the bed and handed Richard the tea. He accepted it with the same suspicious look and tried some, nodded. "It's okay."

"Tea is a stimulant, but a much milder one than caffeinated energy drinks. I think you could get used to it! Personally, I find a good chamomile edifying, it puts a spring in my step."

"Did you drink some before stabbing Gavin Belson in the back?" Richard asked.

Jared cleared his throat. "Um." Richard hadn't asked him about the whistleblowing incident yet.

"What? You don't want to talk about it?" Richard smiled a little. "I'd love to talk about it. I think it's hilarious. He thinks he can get away with fucking all his users over, and then he gets fucked instead."

"It was a very difficult decision," Jared said quietly. "but I had to do something."

"Why? It's not like it's the first shitty thing that happened during your time at Hooli."

Jared scratched at his long neck, felt suddenly exposed. He slept in a V neck T-shirt and missed the buttoned up propriety of his work wear. 

"Seneca said we die every day," he said.

"Huh?" Richard frowned, both hands on his mug.

"He meant it's a gradual process. I think he used the example of a water clock."

"What the fuck is a water clock?"

"I don't actually know, some old Roman invention I assume? Point is, water was gradually released and you could tell the time by that. And he said it wasn't the last drop that emptied the clock, it was every drop, every second."

Richard smiled a little fondly. "You could have just said it was the last straw. Water clocks. Show-off." He put the half-empty mug down on his side table and slid back down onto his back, pulling up his duvet under his chin, legs shifting under the covers. "Thanks for the tea. I think it helped. I feel better."

"I'm glad."

"Go back to bed."

"I'll stay if you like."

Richard frowned, looked up at him. "Huh?"

"In case you feel sick again. I don't mind."

"No, uh, no. No, thanks. I'll uh. I'll call you if I need you."

Jared smiled mildly, nodded, and walked back into his room, laid down with one hand under his head. He put his other hand to his throat. He hadn't expected to find Richard attractive. Richard was physically weak, probably had a lot of undiagnosed gastric issues, had some autistic characteristics, didn't have much of a social life and worked almost constantly. (Jared had initially assumed the MacBook he kept in his bedroom was for games or just late night browsing, but he was fixing bugs.) He was burning the candle at both ends, and Jared didn't think it would end well for him. And yet. 

A lot of people in tech claimed to make the world a better place, Richard did not even though he was one of the few people who credibly could. The PiperNet was free to use worldwide, and while it was tied to smartphones and your choice of apps was strictly controlled it held every basic, useful service like e-mail, an office suite and micro-payments, and Pied Piper had negotiated enough highly lucrative contracts with governments and companies desperate enough to get on the PiperNet to agree to all the Pied Piper terms that he still hadn't collected any user data or lined any of the PiperApps with ads. There was a steadfastness there which Jared found genuinely admirable. And there was the little attempts at kindness towards Jared, which he'd certainly never gotten from Gavin Belson. The sweet smiles when Jared attempted a joke. The dizzying selection of Pukka teas that had appeared in the kitchen cupboard after Jared had admitted a weakness for them. The fact he never raised his voice. 

The fact his eyes were huge and blue. That his hands were elegant and soft. The shape of his mouth and the riotous curls. Jared breathed in deeply. He really needed to clear his head of those thoughts, they were dangerous and useless, he was at Richard Hendricks' house because he had a job to do, and nothing else.

* * *

"I brought two suits," Jared said, knowing Richard didn't want too much choice. "you look very nice in this dark blue one, it's my favourite! But if you want to go a little more traditional, I brought this black one as well. It's very nicely tailored, you look terribly sharp in it."

Richard was sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, in a white shirt and underwear, looking at Jared holding up two hangers with suits on them, his eyes darting left to right. "Uh. Well uh, maybe the blue one then."

Jared walked over and handed Richard the pants. "Are you happy, Jared?" he asked, pulling them on.

"What?" Jared grinned.

"You have a Master's degree in Economics and used to be a project manager at one of the top three tech companies, now you're dressing a 33 year old man baby," Richard said, not meeting his eye, zipping up.

"Oh, Richard," Jared said. "I do wish you'd stop talking about yourself like that."

"Why?" Richard shrugged. "It's true. Can you tie my tie?" He smiled as if he'd just proved his point.

Jared shot him a look, then looped the tie around his neck, before nimbly tying a double Windsor. "I am happy, actually, Richard," Jared said. "you're a good person to work for."

Richard looked up at him. "Seriously?"

"Yes." Jared gently tugged down Richard's collar and straightened it. "I like you. I'm going to miss you when all this is over."

"Uh," Richard said. 

Jared smiled brightly, picked up the jacket and held it out, and Richard turned and threaded his arms into it. 

"Here, turn around."

Richard did and Jared fussed a little, tugging on fabric and brushing away lint. 

"There you go. You look very handsome."

"I look like any other tech troll, you could tell I work in IT from a mile away," Richard said. "I just have a suit on."

"I think you look like James Bond."

Richard laughed. "Yeah, okay, Moneypenny. Well uh, you better get dressed too."

"Me?" Jared had assumed he wasn't going to the gala. Monica Hall was going to accompany Richard so Jared felt safe she'd both keep him company and out of trouble, and she probably looked a lot better in Dolce & Gabbana. 

"Yeah, you're going to be my plus one. Come on."

"Well, of course, if that's what you want," Jared said. "I just thought, since Monica-"

"Your former boss is going to be there tonight," Richard said. "so make sure to fawn over me."

"Gavin's going to be there?"

Richard grinned, nodded. "Mmhmm. Come on, go get dressed, put on something nice."

Jared wondered if he should try to refuse, how that would go down. It was awkward enough that Gavin was going to be there - with all the tech people in the room he'd probably get recognised right away. If he'd known he could have faked an illness, some excuse. He wondered if Richard had already thought of that. He smiled a mild smile and walked out of Richard's room to his adjoining hotel room. He'd tried to get Richard a suite but there were so many bigshots in town for this thing they were all booked out, but Richard didn't care (it was the sort of thing Gavin would have thrown a fit over). Jared honestly wasn't sure if he'd have taken notice if he'd booked them a youth hostel, but still, he was clearly petty enough to want to parade him in front of Gavin Belson and the rest of Silicon Valley's billionaires. He took a deep breath, then looked through the clothes he'd brought and found a grey suit which would probably look dressy enough with a tie, got dressed, combed his hair, put on some CC cream and lip balm, looked at himself in the mirror. There was a knock and Richard said "Are you ready?" from the other side. 

Jared opened the door and smiled at him. Richard bit his lip and looked up at him. "Uh, yeah, uh, perfect," he said. "um."

"Richard, are you sure-"

"Yes," Richard said, reached out, and grabbed Jared's hand. It only lasted a moment before he dropped it, looked shy. "uh, come on. And uh, remember. Like. Fawn over me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly hadn't heard of Google's Project Nightingale when I started writing this thing, I just tried thinking of the most severe ethical breach a big tech company could do. In 2019 satire truly is dead. 
> 
> Also Jared is wrong, the Egyptians invented the water clock.
> 
> And I gave Richard Gwart's weird chair. I want one too.


	3. Chapter 3

Richard kept glancing at him in the hotel elevator and Jared wasn't sure why. He was nervous. He wasn't sure what Richard really wanted from him that night, except just rubbing Gavin Belson's face in it. He wanted to pull up his phone and find the dictionary definition of the verb "fawn", but he couldn't do it while Richard was looking at him.

"I uh, ordered a limo."

"What? That's my job, surely?" Jared asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Surprise."

"Oh," Jared said. "thank you."

Monica Hall was waiting outside, smoking. She looked stunning, she had on a long, jewel-necklined burgundy dress and wore her hair in a stylish updo. She twisted her face to blow the smoke out the side of her mouth, which was less attractive.

"Hey Richard, hey Jared. You're coming too?"

"Guess I am," Jared said, smiled.

"Yeah uh, I might uh, need him," Richard mumbled.

"Right," Monica said. "let's get in the cab."

"Oh, actually, I believe that is ours," Richard said, smiling, pointing at a black limo. 

"Are you serious?" Monica said, laughing a little. "A limo?"

"It's a gala," Richard said, walking up ahead. Jared followed him but Monica grabbed his arm.

"Wait, hold me company while I finish this cigarette."

"Oh, okay." He still found Monica a little intimidating. While Richard was the tech genius, it was her business savvy that had catapulted Pied Piper up into the upper echelons. He'd met her a couple of times while working for Hooli, but she'd either forgotten or decided it would be kindest to ignore it.

"You know this is for you, right?" Monica asked Jared, gesturing towards the limo. 

"What? Oh, I don't think so," Jared said.

"Richard would rock up on a fucking bird scooter if he had an audience with the pope," Monica said. "or well, he wouldn't, he's afraid to fall off them. But you get my point. He's showing off. And it's not for me."

"What are you saying, Monica?" Jared said, frowning. 

"Are you like, are you coming?" Richard said, leaning out of the limo. Jared smiled at Monica and walked up, sat next to him. Monica took a deep drag of her cigarette, then put it out and joined them. 

"So uh! We've got champagne!" Richard said and Monica rolled her eyes. "I don't actually know how to - Jared, do you know how to-"

"Um, well I believe we have to twist this metal bit here," Jared said, taking the bottle.

"Jesus Christ," Monica said, grabbed it off him and popped it. "hey driver, pull some Nirvana up on the Spotify." A searing guitar riff filled the car and Monica filled everybody's glasses.

Jared felt a little giddy. While he wasn't particularly impressed by either limos or champagne, the experience of drinking in the backseat of a car, listening to music, with two people as cool as Monica and Richard, was excitingly adolescent. Or well, how he wished his adolescence had been. He imagined being friends with a younger Monica, a younger Richard, getting to have a normal childhood and teen years with nice people who cared about him, and for a moment it felt brilliantly true and not like he was a junior employee on his way to a hideous work event. 

The gala was full of the most important players in the game. It took a lot of persuasion to get Richard to go to one of these things, in the weeks he'd worked for him Jared had seen him shoot down almost every request and suggestion for anything resembling a social event. But Monica had twisted his arm on this one, and they'd flown out to Vegas, and he'd promised to behave and try and mingle. Jared could tell his teeth were on edge with every new person he talked to. He was still unsure what Richard had meant by his request that Jared "fawn" over him, so he just tried to stick close, making sure he had a drink, something to eat that wouldn't trigger any of his gastric issues (nothing too spicy, definitely no cilantro, better safe than sorry with seafood and he didn't trust cheese either), and pointing out people he should probably talk to or avoid. He also heard his own name whispered around him in conversation. The Hooli careerist, the whistleblower, reduced to following Richard Hendricks around like a lapdog. His face heated up. Well, he wasn't going to let that get to him. 

"Heyy, Richie!" a neatly bearded man in a partially unbuttoned silk shirt said, waving enthusiastically. He had a gorgeous, skinny brunette on his arm who was about a head taller than him. Jared recognised him - Russ Hanneman, one of the more notorious investors in the valley.

"Uh, hello, Russ," Richard said. Jared could tell his shoulders went up a little.

"Woah, what the fuck?" he said looking up at Jared. "Who's this guy? Boyfriend?"

"No uh, Jared, is, my personal assistant," Richard said.

Russ laughed a hearty laugh. "Sure thing, I get it. Melania here is my personal trainer, if you catch my drift. No relation, by the way."

"To who?" Richard asked.

"Melania Trump."

"Why would-"

"I'm very cool with this shit, by the way," Russ told Jared. "my grandfather recently came out as gay, it was so beautiful, I still cry some times when I think about it." He covered his heart and sighed, looked a little emotional, got a little tearful in the voice. "You look like you get around. Have you ever been with an old dude who kind of looks like me?"

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I havent," Jared apologised.

There was a little commotion on the other side of the room and Russ' head snapped to the left to see. "Oh shit, there's Elon Musk and that weird fucking girlfriend of his. Damn, this night is gonna be wild, eh, Richie? Tall guy?"

"His name is Jared," Richard said, annoyed. 

"I'm gonna go say hi. Maybe we'll see you guys at Elon's suite later, if you know what I mean?" Russ shot finger guns, blew them off, holstered them, then turned around and pushed Melania in the direction of Musk's entourage.

"No!" Richard barked at Russ' back. "Ugh! God I hate these fucking people!"

"Richard, did Russ Hanneman just insinuate he was going to have an orgy with Elon Musk?"

"Probably. Ugh!"

"Do you want to leave?" Jared asked. "We could go back to the hotel, let Monica deal with the schmoozing." He leant in conspiratorially. "I believe there's a rerun of Planet Earth starting in half an hour."

"No, no, not yet."

"Did you want to talk to Elon Musk?"

"I'd rather eat razor blades. Oh, oh hey."

Jared turned his head to see what Richard was looking at and cringed. It was Gavin Belson. He was talking to Monica and looked very sharp. His bodyguard, Hoover, kept a respectful and watchful distance. Jared swallowed. He glanced over at Richard, who almost smiled.

"Let's go say hi."

Jared breathed in deeply, and followed Richard. 

"Monica, I was looking for you- oh, hello, Gavin," he said. "you're here too, huh."

"Richard," Gavin said, then narrowed his eyes. "Jared. What the fuck are you doing here."

"He's working for me now."

Jared swallowed. "Yes, Richard was kind enough to give me a chance. He's a wonderful employer."

"Is he."

"It's all a little new to Jared, working for somebody who respects users' privacy," Richard said.

"Richard," Monica warned.

"Well." Gavin Belson smiled a strained smile. "I hope he benefits your company as much as he did mine." 

He walked off and Hoover followed. Monica slapped Richard on the arm. "Ow!"

"That was a dick move, and totally unnecessary. You promised you'd be on your best behavior."

Suddenly, Hoover reappeared, stood in front of Jared. "Gavin feels unsafe with you on the premises and requested I pat you down."

"What?" Richard said.

"Um--" Jared said, unsurely raising his arms, and then Hoover quickly patted him down. He saw people around looking curiously at them in his peripheral vision.

"Very well," Hoover said. "I'm watching you, Dunn." He stalked off.

"Happy?" Monica asked Richard. "Idiot. Jared, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Jared said. "I'm fine."

"Let's uh, I'm uh, sick of this party. Let's go back to the hotel. Monica, you stay for as long as you want. Of course."

She shot him a hard look. "I will."

The limo was very big for just the two of them. Richard was kind of crumpled on the seat. "I hate these things, I hate them," Richard said. "I don't know why she can't just do them for me."

"People want to see you," Jared said gently. "they admire you."

"No they don't, they all think I'm a moron who got lucky, they can't see a way of making money on tech without violating privacy and bowing down to capitalism at every turn. They're all just waiting for me to go under, but they're the fucking dinosaurs. They can all microdose LSD and take turns on prostitutes in hotel suites and suck Bezos' dick like tomorrow will never come, but Pied Piper is their extinction event whether they want to admit it or not." Richard sighed. "Well. At least I hope it is."

"I'm sorry you had a bad evening."

Richard looked up at him with a weak smile. "It would have been worse if you hadn't been there." 

They reached the hotel and made their way up to their floor, lingered a little in the hallway outside their rooms.

"Too bad we don't have a bell," Richard said. "guess I'll have to make my own tea."

"We have phones," Jared said.

"I wasn't serious."

"I am."

"Um. Sorry about tonight, I know that probably sucked for you."

"It's okay."

"You uhh, you uh. You look, like, really nice tonight? Um. Like. Uh. You should be the CEO and I should be the assistant, like from a, outsider perspective." Richard was kind of leaning against the wall, picking at the fabric of his suit. Jared had tried to keep track of how many alcohol units he had and while he didn't think Richard would have much of a hangover, he was still kind of inebriated and possibly about to say something he'd regret.

"Maybe we should just go to bed."

"Maybe we should?" Richard said, looking up a little hopefully.

Gosh, Jared wanted to kiss him then. He could practically feel the brush of his skin, the hard outline of his nose, the softness of his lips. But it would be too irresponsible. This job was too important to risk rejection (although he felt pretty sure that risk was low right now), later awkwardness (a much higher risk) and worst of all, being fired (Jared had done his fair share of risk analysis and this one had the kind of threat level that could get a whole project shut down).

He smiled fondly, then opened the door to his room with his keycard. "Good night, Richard. Call me if you need me."

Richard sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Good night, Jared."

Jared closed the door behind him, sighed. He put his hands in his pockets, a reflex to check he hadn't left anything behind for when he'd take it to be drycleaned, and his hand felt a slip of paper. He took it out, frowning, and opened it. 

It was a note from Gavin Belson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared's subplot this last episode was so weird? Like with the family thing (leading to him immediately doubling down on Gwart, no you idiot)? I don't know. Hopefully it was just setup for something more interesting in next episode. Richard was fantastic last episode though lmao. And of course Gilfoyle would have a Chtulu chess set. OF COURSE HE WOULD


	4. Chapter 4

BURGER KING 2AM. GB

Jared folded the note, breathed deeply. He looked at the time. That was only ten minutes away. He looked at the map on his phone and saw there was a Burger King just around the corner, presumably that's the one he meant. He took off his suit jacket and pulled on a black, hopefully more anonymous looking, hoodie, and went back outside to find it.

He nodded at Hoover, who was standing outside the Burger King, and Hoover nodded back. 

He went inside and joined Gavin Belson at a slightly secluded table. He'd ordered a full meal and was tucking into a burger.

"This cheap garbage isn't too bad," he told Jared. "do you want something?"

"No, thanks," Jared said.

"Take some fries."

"Gavin, this isn't safe. What did you need to talk to me about?"

"Just wanted to hear how things were going."

"They're going well, Gavin."

* * *

THREE MONTHS EARLIER

"Jared Dunn is here, sir," Gavin Belson's secretary announced and Jared walked a little unsurely into the office. Gavin was standing facing the window, his hands behind his back. Jared assumed it was for dramatic effect. 

"You wanted to see me?" he asked.

"Yes." Gavin turned around, sat down at his desk and steepled his hands. "Jared, you-- Christ sake, sit down."

Jared hurriedly took a chair opposite him. 

"You were the project manager on Hoolistic."

Jared cleared his throat. He'd raised several objections about the ethical ramifications about the medical form issued to all users of HooliSocial, all of which had gone ignored. "Yes."

"Hmm," Gavin said. "let me show you something." He got a small, flat remote out and clicked it, waking a screen to life. There was a portrait photo of a young, professional looking woman. Gavin clicked and there was another woman, then a man, and it went on and on like that for a while. Jared sat patiently and looked at them, hoped there wouldn't be any extended visual animal metaphores involved in this. He'd had to get councelling for PTSD after the macaque incident.

"Do you know what these people have in common?" Gavin asked.

Jared smiled sheepishly and shrugged. He wasn't sure, and either way he didn't want to guess. Gavin preferred telling him.

"They are all former personal assistants of Richard Hendricks. He really goes through them, he's had two this year already." Jared swallowed. He wasn't sure how Richard Hendricks had suddenly become part of this conversation, and he knew he didn't like where this was going. Gavin harboured a pretty unhealthy obsession with and resentment for the boy genius of Silicon Valley. "Most of them are caucasian. Tall and lanky. With brown hair and blue eyes. I dare say Hendricks has a type. Physically." Gavin looked him up and down. No, Jared definitely did not like where this was going. "Jared, I want you to become his assistant, and I want you to fucking get that algorithm for me."

Jared tried to hide his panic. "Gavin, he'll see through me in a second. He'll find out I'm a Hooli man right away. Even if he didn't do a minimum of research, which is highly unlikely, I've met Monica Hall on several occasions. She'd recognise me."

"None of that would matter if you were involved in some high profile case against Hooli."

"What?"

"You made several complaints during the development of the Hoolistic form. How it was unethical, how it could get us in trouble. It was a pain in the ass."

"I know, Gavin, but I did my job, and-"

"Well, bully for you, you were right. Fucking Code/Rag called me up and she's going to do an expose. I managed to stall things a little bit, promising her a comment. In the meantime I contacted WaPo under your name and gave them the full story. It should be out tomorrow."

Jared stared. "You did what??"

"It's the perfect cover!" He grinned big.

"But- but- Gavin, I'll never be hired again!"

"Jared, if this goes the way it's supposed to, you'll never even have to work again. I'll pay you five million dollars."

Jared grasped at his collar. "What?"

"Not enough? Okay, let's make it ten. Ten million dollars."

Jared blinked. Ten million dollars. That was the financial security he'd chased his whole life. That was the chance to leave a job which was frequently demoralising and humiliating. It was the chance to max out all of his friends' medical GoFundMes. It was the ticket to a whole new life.

"Oh."

"You'll do it?"

"Gavin." Jared folded his hands tightly together. "Do you, do you expect me to, become physically intimate with this man?"

"No. No, no no. No. Unless you think that would help? In which case, yes."

"Oh, goodness," Jared mumbled. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the final indignity, the final humiliation, the day he finally, finally stood up to Gavin Belson.

"Well, tomorrow your HooliSearch results will change forever either way," Gavin said with a faux-contrite look on his face. "Jared Dunn, whistleblower. It has a ring."

"Okay," Jared said. "okay. I'll do it."

Gavin grinned, slapped his hands together. "Excellent!"

"But I want it in writing. The ten million dollars."

"You don't trust me?"

Jared didn't dignify that with an answer.

"Okay, okay, fine, in writing, yeesh." 

"Gavin, one more question." Gavin sighed, made a gesture. "What if he doesn't hire me?"

Gavin smiled. "The man who blew the whistle on Gavin Belson? He won't be able to resist."

*

Sherry was a new Hooli hire who had worked as Richard Hendricks' PA, and she'd been tasked with briefing Jared. Jared had noticed she too was lanky, tall, had brown hair which fell limply to her shoulders, and round, blue eyes. He felt a little embarrassed by it.

"He's gross, petty and immature," she said. "he's a big kid, but not in a cute way."

"In what way?" Jared asked.

"He vomits when he's stressed out. He gets night sweats. His body hates him."

"Oh," Jared said. "is, um, is he ill?"

"Not as far as I know, he just lives on energy drinks, chips and frozen pizzas, he hates going outside, hasn't exercised on purpose once in his adult life." She shrugged. "Pretty standard stuff for this business."

"Is, is he in a relationship?"

Sherry snorted. "No. I think he's asexual."

"Friends?"

"Mostly work friends. Well, apart from Big Head. An old college buddy that comes over every once in a while, they watch Star Trek episodes and play video games. He really is a total cliche."

"You don't sound like you like him very much," Jared said.

"I just spent three months of my life cleaning up his vomit, changing his sheets, waking him up to go to work, ordering Postmates, and listen to him go on and on about Pied fucking Piper, which is his only real interest on this earth, by the way. The closest thing I got to a party for literally three months was him inviting over Big Head and his Senior Programmer to play Dungeons and Dragons." She narrowed her eyes. "I was a Sorcerer."

* * *

Gavin was polishing off his fries, dipping them in ketchup. Jared didn't like the smell of fast food, he'd had too much of it throughout his life at times when it was the only affordable option. He felt a little sick. "You've been to the Pied Piper HQ right? Do you have any idea how to get to the documentation we need?"

"Honestly, I think everything you want is in his house."

"Huh?"

"He works constantly on an old MacBook he keeps in his bedroom. He works out bugs, tries new ideas. Obviously the larger framework is on the Pied Piper servers, but the actual algorithm? I think it's all in there. Legacy code and all."

Gavin smiled. "Excellent, Jared."

Jared scratched his arm. "I don't want to steal his MacBook."

"You don't have to, don't worry. Let me think about it. Just keep doing what you're doing. You and Hendricks looked very friendly tonight. You looked like you were on a fucking date, to be honest."

Jared squirmed. "Richard asked me to be extra attentive."

Gavin looked amused. "Because I was there? I would have done the same thing. I would have made you go down on me in the middle of the room if I thought it got under that little rat's skin."

Jared looked away. He forgot how crass Gavin could be. "Gavin, can I ask you a question?"

"You have until I finish this burger."

"What are you going to do with his tech?"

"What the fuck do you think? I'm going to roll out the HooliNet, which might actually fucking work with his algorithm, and it will be full of the shit people actually want to do online, not Hendricks' boring garbage. Fucking e-mail, who sends e-mail? Social media! Videochat! Dating! Free games! People already use that kind of Hooli IP on their HooliPhones, but now they're spending money on their ISP or mobile provider they could be giving to me. Because I will fucking monetise it and I will make a fuck ton of money. People will be happy, I will be rich, everybody wins."

"Except Richard."

"Exactly. It's a plan with no drawbacks."

"I should get back," Jared said.

"See you on Sunday, right?"

"Right."

"Oh, and Jared, I'm done meeting at coffee shops and on nature trails like we're having a fucking affair. Come to my house on Sunday."

"Okay," Jared said.

He pulled his hoodie up over his head and walked out and back to the hotel. He felt hollow inside. He set an alarm, and tiredly undressed, got into bed. When he'd agreed to this horrible fucking situation he'd been pretty much panicking, and - honestly - tempted by the money. He spent a lot of time, probably too much, wondering whether he was a good person or not. Just the kind of little hangup you develop if you're kicked from foster family to foster family your entire adolescence. Because Jared had tried, he had, he tried to be useful, to not take up space, he didn't do drugs or stay out late or break any rules like the foster kid nightmares you hear about, but still, nobody wanted him. And the common denominator in it all, well, was him. So he kept trying. He volunteered, he reached out, he was the most conscientious student and employee he could possibly be, he let people walk all over him, but still. Nobody wanted him. There was some sort of deficiency there, and if he could just identify it, isolate it, work on it, maybe, just maybe, the world would stop shitting on him.

Of course, breaking the law at the behest of your manipulative sociopath of a boss probably wasn't the best way to rack up karmic points.

He hadn't had any strong opinions about Richard Hendricks or Pied Piper while he was working at Hooli. He assumed Richard would be like any other weirdo billionaire and in some ways he was, but even then... he didn't mask his insecurities with sports cars and models and extreme sports, he just wore them on his sleeve. He didn't like to hear Richard put himself down but at the same time, it was a lot more likeable than pretending (or worse, actually believing) you were a god-anointed colossus. And Richard really cared about building a good internet. The one social media platform on the PiperNet didn't even show pictures, unless you used it alongside a normal ISP, because he didn't like the shallow nature of Instagram and didn't want it to be part of the service. He worked his ass off to make an internet which was cerebral, kind and useful at its core. There had been created a Diversity Program at Hooli as a response to a series of sexual harrassment lawsuits, at Pied Piper the risk analysis team had consisted of mostly women and minorities from the start (Monica took the credit for that one), analysing how apps could be abused to target vulnerable individuals. The whole approach was just... different.

Jared wished he'd paid more attention. He wished he'd known. He wished he could have applied to work there while he was still just a regular project manager with a great CV. He wished he could have sat next to Richard at a work event and told him, maybe this is inappropriate and if so I apologise, but I'd really love to go for a drink with you some time. Maybe Richard would have looked at him the way he had in the hallway earlier and said yes.

Jared sighed. Well, that wasn't his life. His life was trying to save his own ass and maybe be able to regain a few of those karmic points and do some good with the money he'd earn from fucking over Richard Hendricks, and help Gavin Belson hoard more money and fulfill his heart's desire of out-earning Jeff Bezos, by rolling out a new internet which was just as shitty and shallow and abusive as the one that was already there, except you could use it for free as long as you had a HooliPhone. He turned on his side, brought his birdsong app up to make him feel a little better, and let it play while he fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

They flew back to San Francisco the next morning, Monica wore a huge pair of sunglasses and ordered them both not to talk to her or preferably at all in a raspy voice (but did start crying and called Jared an angel when he slipped her some of the Zofran pills he kept for Richard), Richard looked a little tired but not too much the worse for wear. He went back into the office and stayed late, and Jared kept busy organising his calendar. There was enough to do that the next couple of days really flew by and before Jared knew it Sunday arrived. 

"Are you uh, doing anything fun today?" Richard asked over breakfast. That was another good habit Jared had been able to gently introduce him to.

"Yes! I'm going birding," Jared said. Richard smiled.

"Cool. Yeah, that's cool."

"You're welcome to come along any time, Richard."

"Yeah," Richard said. "maybe. But like, I don't want to infringe on your free time, you know."

Jared smiled warmly. "Well, you'd be coming as my friend, not my employer, but that's up to you."

"Um so um uh. When uh, when will you come back? Like uh six? You came back at six last time? I mean, I think you did, maybe you did, I didn't like notice or anything, but I think it was maybe around then, it could have been uhhh later or earlier, I don't know."

"I can be back by six, Richard."

"No, no, no, like, I'm not uh, telling you to be, I'm like, I'm asking. If you have plans tonight, you go, okay Jared?"

Jared tilted his head. "What did you have in mind, Richard?"

"Well! Well. Uh. Do you. Remember. Saying. You maybe wanted to go see that uh, opera."

"La Boheme? Yes," Jared said carefully. "but don't worry about that, Richard, it's a five month run, I thought I'd go after my employment with you terminates."

"Well uhhh! Uh. Uh." Richard's face was doing a lot of strained things. "So, I thought huh, I haven't been to the opera, or like, a play, or a musical, in like-- well, uh, ever. So I went on the website like just on a whim you know and whoops, butter fingers, I kind of bought two tickets for tonight, haha, online shopping, you know what I mean? So um. Too easy, you know."

Jared smiled.

"So uhhh, so yeah, so I thought I'd go, and then I thought, well, since Jared, was so kind as to clue me in on this, maybe, maybe Jared, I mean, you, would like to come with me." He looked up at him with that hopeful look again.

"Richard-"

"Or, like, not. Maybe not. I mean, it doesn't matter to me, because I will still definitely go, to the uh opera, maybe Monica wants to go, any excuse to put on a dress, haha, women, am I right? In fact, in fact I'll, I'll call her now--" Richard got his phone out of his pocket, lost his grip on it and it skidded along the floor.

Jared reached out a hand to cover Richard's and found it shaking. "Richard, I would love to. Thank you for asking me."

Richard outright beamed at him. "Cool! Cool. Yes. I mean uh, cool, yeah. So uh, you be back here by six, and like, I don't know we'll get ready and shit and the show starts at eight, but if we get there a little early we could maybe, I don't know, get a drink, something, and you can like, clue me in on opera etiquette or whatever, and uh..."

"Can't wait," Jared smiled. 

"Cool! Um, me, either. So uh, have a nice day off, go uh say hi to the birds from me... and uhhh, see you at six!"

*

Jared really did go birding, for an hour or so. It was one of his favourite things to do. The interest had developed early - it was a good hobby for a transient boy. There are birds everywhere. In fact, the silver lining to his frequent moves was being able to check off new species in his book. It still simultaneously calmed and excited him, seeing those beautiful, elegant creatures go about their day.

But eventually he had to fold together his binoculars, put them in his little backpack with his notebook, camera and tea flask, walk down the trail down to his car, and drive to Gavin Belson's house.

Well, it was really more of a mansion. Gavin's tastes veered towards the conservative and like a lot of billionaires he secretly yearned for "old money" status, so he'd bought an old, gorgeous house, paid someone to renovate it, and paid someone else to fill it with as much classical paraphernalia and expensive designer furniture (with the odd exclusive vintage piece) as possible. It was a showy house, and it specifically wanted to show off how much money had been spent on it. 

"If it isn't Harriet the Spy," Gavin said when Hoover led Jared into the lounge. "sit down."

Jared sat down on the edge of one of Gavin's sofas. It was hard and uncomfortable. 

"There's not much new to report," he said, clutching at his collar. 

Gavin walked over, reached out a hand and cupped Jared's cheek. Jared went a little stiff. "What's with the miserable face? I've got good news for you."

Cringing, Jared turned his face away a little. "Oh?"

"Well, I put some of my very best nerds to work after I talked to you last, and they came up with this." Gavin handed him a metallic object, about three inches long, with a USB-C connector.

"A flash drive?"

"Oh, it's a lot more than that. A lot. You stick it into Hendricks' MacBook, turn it on. Give me your phone."

Jared got it out of his pocket, unlocked it and handed it over. Gavin typed something into it and handed it back.

"Pizza Express," Jared read out loud.

"That contact number will not get you a pizza, it will instantly connect you to one of my guys. When you turn on the MacBook, with the drive inside remember, a terminal window will appear. He'll give you the command to type in. In less than five minutes, everything that is on that fucking laptop will be copied to this item, which you of course will give to me. And Hendricks will be none the wiser. All you need is ten minutes alone with the MacBook. Think you can manage that?"

Jared nodded. "Don't you think it'll be encrypted?"

Gavin shrugged. "Sure. But we'll be able to crack it. I've hired some top encryption guys for this purpose alone."

"Will I get paid when I give you the drive?"

"Yes, Jared, yes you will," Gavin said, placatingly. "I won't forget this, you know. When I beat Bezos on the rankings, I'll invite you to the party I'll throw."

Jared smiled wanly. "Sounds great."

*

Richard was playing some loud video game when Jared came back at almost six on the dot, which he immediately turned off and got up from off the couch, bouncing off the balls of his feet a little bit. "Hey! Uh! Did you have a nice day?"

"Yes," Jared said a little tiredly, smiling. "it was very nice." The flash drive was cold and hard in his pocket. 

"Cool! So uh, do you want to get ready?" 

In truth, Jared wanted to sink into a hole in the ground and stay there, but Richard's obvious enthusiasm was a little infectious and he decided he'd put on a happy face. "Yep," he said. "give me twenty minutes."

He went in his room, put the drive under his pillow. After a brief shower he looked at his clothes. He decided he'd go with the grey suit again, since Richard had seemed to like him in it the last time. But maybe a different shirt. He found a more casual dark blue one, decided to forego a tie. When he came back into the lounge Richard had changed too, to what was his normal workwear really, a button down shirt and black pants. Richard's mouth fell open a little bit, but he quickly closed it.

"Um. Wow. Uh. Am I underdressed?"

"No, Richard, you look good."

"Like, don't lie, I can put on something else. Because you look, um, wow."

Jared smiled a little, looked down. "I'm not lying, Richard."

Richard's driver took them to the opera, they had drinks at the bar, Jared tried explaining the plot, and then it was time to enter. 

"Which row is ours?" Jared asked.

"Row? No, I got like, a box. Well uhh I got like three boxes."

Jared frowned. "How many people did you invite?"

"Well uh just you and me but like they were kind of close together so I thought it would just like be nice to have some arm room?"

Jared smiled, shook his head. "Well, alright, Richard."

The performance was very good. Jared had seen La Boheme a few times before, but this was possibly the best production he'd seen. The soprano was really stunning, a thin, wiry blonde with a wonderfully rich tone, expressively interpreting the lyrics. She looked to be on the young side but sang like an old pro, managing to bring some slyness into what could be a cloyingly innocent character. He tried to be mindful of Richard, who looked a little bit lost and at times grimaced whenever Jared glanced over at him, explaining what the songs were about and helping him keep track of the characters. In the intermission, they stayed in the box, and had more drinks brought up. 

"What do you think?" Jared asked.

"What do_ you_ think?" Richard countered.

"I think it's wonderful."

"Cool, uh, well, I think it's really good too."

Jared wanted to laugh. "Really?"

Richard smiled an embarrassed smile. "Well uhh. It's, like, I don't know, I don't know a lot about this kind of culture I guess. It's um. I don't know."

"I appreciate you trying," Jared said. "and I really appreciate being able to sit in these seats. See down there, the stools on the side?" Richard looked over the balcony edge. "You can get those seats for like fifteen dollars. You sit without a back, behind a pillar. That's what I used to do when I first came to town. And I always feel so self conscious about the people behind me not being able to see anything."

"I could get uhh, I could get you like a season pass. In like, this box."

"No, Richard, it's too much."

"Well uh, get it yourself? You haven't put anything on the credit card I gave you, I checked."

"There hasn't been time," Jared smiled. 

"Please. This one girl who worked for me bought legit $3000 worth of sex toys online."

"Goodness," Jared laughed.

"Seriously, right? How much stuff can you even fit up there... oh shit, I think it's going to start again," Richard said, as a melody played on the loudspeakers.

So they watched the Parisian bohemians descend into squalor, and then it came, Sono Andati, Jared's favourite piece. The excellent soprano didn't let him down. _Ho tante cose che ti voglio dire, o una sola ma grande come il mare._ He took a deep, shuddery breath and when he closed his eyes tears fell from them. This could get ugly. He got a paper tissue out of his pocket. _Come il mare é profonda ed infinita, sei il mio amore e tutta la mia vita._

"Are uh, are you okay?" Richard whispered, looked concerned. Jared tried to get a grip, nodded, and then Richard put an unsure arm around his shoulders and Jared huffed a laugh and turned and leaned down, rested his forehead on Richard's shoulder, put a hand gently to Richard's waist, and Richard's other arm came up around him too. This probably wasn't the smartest but the beauty of the music and the earnestness of the words and the simple tragedy he knew was only minutes away threatened to overwhelm him a little, not to mention how he was feeling about his life in general at the moment - honestly he needed a hug. Richard held him a little awkwardly but it was wonderful too, and then Richard's hand started slowly stroking Jared's hair. Jared pulled back a little in surprise. Richard let go of him like he'd been burnt, looked terrified. 

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit," he whispered. 

Jared shook his head, dragged a hand over his face to wipe away his tears, leant back in, and kissed Richard's mouth softly as Rodolfo cried over Mimi on stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lines from Sono andati translate to "I have so many things I want to tell you, or only one, but it's vast like the sea" and "like the sea it's profound and infinite, you are my love and all of my life". Here's [a recording of it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm0qAgIL9cw) with legends Luciano and Mirella from 1990, they were both kind of too old and hale on paper to play two starving young bohemians but their familiarity with the material (they'd performed it together loads of times and Mimi was one of Mirella Freni's signature roles) and personal chemistry (they were friends from childhood, growing up in the same Italian town in the forties, their mothers even worked at the same factory) really make it something special, in my opinion.
> 
> The soprano in the story is based on a young American I've seen who kind of blew me away but I'm not going to name her lmao, I don't feel bad weirding up Zuckerberg or Musk's google alerts but she doesn't deserve that hahaha! I googled photos of the SF opera and the boxes really are close together. Like can you even call those boxes. I wanted something like the ones in Paris, with like, privacy! So Richard bought out three instead. Never tell me my writing isn't 100% realistic.
> 
> Originally I was going to have them go to a musical because I figure Jared would be into them and I don't like them personally so I thought it would be fun to write Richard suffering his way through some corny garbage for Jared's sake, but then I realised I'd actually have to research musicals to find one with the right kind of emotional climax and was like no thanks. So he gets to like operas instead in this, it's an AU, it's fine.
> 
> Also, I'm going to aim for 11 chapters :] I do know where I'm going with this!


	6. Chapter 6

Richard's eyes were huge and blue and a little dazed when Jared pulled back, he blinked, then a huge smile blossomed on his face. 

"Let's leave," Jared said.

"Yeah, yeah—wait, don't you want to see the ending?"

"I don't want to spend fifteen minutes elbowing my way through hundreds of other audience members, I want to go home with you. Now."

Richard nodded enthusiastically, got up, and they snuck out. Jared walked in front of Richard down the grand staircase down towards the exit, and muffled applause started thundering in the other room. He turned sharply around and Richard looked a little surprised, then he pulled Richard in and kissed him again. With Richard a step up Jared almost had to lean up a little, Richard had both hands on his face and audibly whimpered when Jared flicked his tongue out to taste him, then Jared pulled away, grinned, strode down the stairs two steps at a time so Richard had to run to keep up. Jared could hear Richard calling his driver and tell him, a little out of breath, "we're going home, like, now, meet us in the parking lot, okay" and he was in the lot before Richard caught up to him and got on his toes and pulled him down by the shoulders, kissed him hard.

The driver found them and started to get out, but Richard opened the door himself, "just drive okay Bob, just like..."

He pulled Jared in by the hand, falling backwards, and for a moment Jared was on top of him in the backseat, still kissing him. There was a buzzing noise and Jared registered a screen coming down between the front and back seats. Richard's hand came up in his hair again, stroking. 

"Is that okay? Is that like, cool with you?" Richard asked.

Jared grinned. "It's cool, yes. Let's sit up, come on."

Richard panted a little, and Jared cupped his face, and Richard leaned in. "Slowly, Richard. We have all night."

"Yeah uh uhh yeah..."

Jared kissed his cheek, the corner of his eye, his eyelid, his forehead. Richard's hand clutched at the back of Jared's neck. When Jared's lips finally found Richard's mouth he practically melted against him. 

When they finally, finally got back to the house Richard walked him backwards inside and tipped him down on the sofa, climbed on top of him.

"Uh, no, Richard, we made it this far, we can make it to bed."

"Okay okay uh, oh my fucking god-"

Jared grinned, slid a hand down to palm Richard's hard dick. "Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of you-"

"Don't, don't, fucking don't, I'm going to last five seconds as it is, let's just uh, uhh," Richard panted, getting up and pulling Jared up by his hands and towards his bedroom. They crashed down on Richard's bed, kissing deep and wet, Jared rarely lost himself in situations like these but now he didn't really care about technique or how he was coming across or looked or anything, all he could think about was the slide of Richard's tongue, the feel of his hair in his hands, his skin-- he was wearing too many clothes. Jared rolled him onto his back and nimbly unbuttoned his shirt, his pants, pulled and dragged until Richard was naked before him. Richard tried to keep up but he only managed to get five of Jared's shirt buttons open. 

"You too, I wanna, I wanna see you, I," Richard gasped. Jared smiled and shrugged off his shirt and stepped out of his pants, leaving him in his undershirt and underwear, and he climbed on top of Richard, pushed him down onto his back, and they kissed another long and hungry kiss. Jared came up for breath, panting and staring, gosh Richard looked so good underneath him, all bruised lips and flushed skin and wild curls--

"Jared," Richard said urgently. "when you said I looked okay. Good. Did you, did you mean it?"

"Yes," Jared said. "you look so good, Richard, oh goodness me."

"You think I'm good looking, really?"

"Yes, yes, yes." Jared smiled brightly.

"You like me, like, uh, like... you do?"

"Yes, Richard. I like you."

"Would you like me if I wasn't your boss? Pretend I just fired you."

"Yes. Shh," Jared soothed. He kissed him again, just briefly and sweetly this time, before kissing his way down Richard's mostly hairless chest, to his flat stomach, narrow hips, the insides of his thighs.

"Please, please, okay, please," Richard whined, sliding backwards a little into a sitting position. Jared smiled, spat in his hand, and gave Richard's straining erection a few strokes before guiding it into his mouth. He was kneeling inbetween Richard's legs, folded up, Richard sitting with his back against the headboard, one hand on Jared's head, but gently, just resting there, while it bobbed up and down. "fuck, Jared, oh my fucking god, oh, uhh--"

Jared hummed a little and the vibrations of it made Richard choke and gasp and then he came, Jared swallowing around him. When Jared pulled off Richard looked shattered, boneless and flushed, chest rapidly rising and sinking. Jared moved up Richard's body and pressed firm, sweet kisses to his neck, and Richard lost his hand in Jared's hair again. 

"Uhh, I'm sorry," Richard said suddenly.

"What for?"

"Like uh, not giving you, like, warning. Sorry. I just... wow. Holy fuck, Jared. I'm pretty sure my IQ was like 25 there for a second."

Jared laughed. 

"Why are you still wearing so many clothes," Richard asked, grasping the elastic of Jared's underwear. "come on."

Jared smiled, got down on his back, raised his hips and let Richard pull them off. His erection sprang free and Richard stared, bit his lip, then looked up at Jared through his eyelashes. "Wow. Ok."

He insinuated his hands underneath Jared's top and slid them upwards, and Jared raised his arms over his head, let Richard pull it all the way off. 

"Jesus Christ you're so like... long. It's... uh, it's so fucking nice."

Jared put an arm around Richard's waist and brushed his lips against his mouth, and Richard took the hint, kissed him properly, sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and bit a little. His hand stuttered over Jared's naked chest and then suddenly, stopped, at where it concaved. There was a hollow there which could look disconcerting the first time you saw it. Jared pulled away from the kiss, looked away and felt a little embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," he said automatically. "I know it's weird. Let's turn out the lights."

Richard slowly removed his hand, looked at him, then bowed his head and gently rested his cheek against Jared's chest. "I'm always looking for a good place to hide from the world," he said with a smile in his voice. "yeah. This will do."

"Oh," Jared said helplessly, trembling fingers threading through Richard's hair. Richard turned his head and pressed wet, open mouthed kisses to his chest until Jared, gasping, grabbed his face and pulled him up to kiss him again. Richard reached down, closed his fingers around Jared's dick and started stroking. 

"Jared, Jared. Do you think, like, you'd be into. Like, maybe you'd wanna. Like, do you think--"

"Yeah," Jared panted.

"Yeah what?"

"Yeah to whatever."

Richard stopped stroking him. 

"Yeah to whatever except that," Jared said.

Richard leaned in and whispered into his ear.

*

Jared steadied himself with one hand on Richard's back and another on his hip. He pushed all the way into him and stayed, controlled his breathing, enjoyed Richard's little whimpers. He pulled back out and then slowly pushed back in. Richard moved against him.

"Slow, honey," Jared said. "let me take care of you."

"Just uh, just do it."

"I am doing it," Jared said, held him in place. He looked down at his dick slipping in and out of Richard, picked up the pace. Richard gasped.

"Yeah uh like that, like that Jared, fuck.."

It got more hectic, more frantic, Jared slipped out of him and grabbed himself to push back in but Richard scrambled away, rolled over on his back.

"I wanna change it up," he said.

"Okay," Jared smiled, grabbed one of Richard's legs.

"No, not like that, go uh, go lie down there." Richard jerked his head over to his floor chair set up, where he liked to lie down and work on his MacBook.

"What?"

"Go lie down there. I want to ride you."

Jared got up a little gingerly, his erection bobbing out straight in front of him, and lay down, one part of the chair supporting his back and another raising his knees. Richard followed, looked flushed and sweaty and wiry and delicious. He straddled Jared and reached behind him to grab at his dick, lined it up. 

Jared giggled. "Where did you even buy this thing?"

Richard ignored him, closed his eyes as he seated himself fully on Jared, then slowly raised his hips forward, then back down, until he'd found a rhythm he liked. "Give me your hands, come on."

Jared raised his hands and Richard met them and for a moment they were palm to palm before Richard threaded their fingers together, looked Jared in the eye, while he slowly rode him. 

"You're so big. Fuck, you feel good."

Jared panted, trying to keep himself under control, make it last, but this was intense. Richard was tight and hot and his rhythm was maddening, and the intimacy of their hands intertwined, their eyes locked together - in that moment they just felt like lovers, whatever the fuck else they were. Jared pressed his back into the back support and it slid away a little, then he raised his hips hard and Richard gasped and Jared came and came. He panted, open mouthed, Richard smiled at him and looked a little unsure, still had Jared's softening cock inside him. "Holy shit," he said. 

Jared put his hands under Richard's ribs and pushed upwards, Richard took the hint and raised himself off Jared, then Jared sort of maneuvred him around, changing their positions.

"What are you doing?"

"Lie back." Richard lay down on the back rest, smiling, and Jared pushed away the knee support so he had room to lie down between Richard's legs. "Give me some warning this time."

* * *

When he finally fell asleep that night, hands and legs tangled with Richard's, Jared was dead to the world. No nightmares. Nothing. Just darkness and stillness. When he woke up, several uninterrupted hours later, he raised his head enough to glance over at Richard's digital clock and it was way past when he was supposed to get up on a Monday, and Richard – who, he reminded himself, he had a responsibility to get to work – looked like he was in a coma. Jared sighed. He was going to get up. He was going to wake Richard up. He was going to shower, get dressed, get them both to work, spend his day coordinating and organising Richard's workday. But for a few more minutes, he was just going to watch Richard sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Jared reached out a hand and stroked Richard's arm. "Richard? Wake up, Richard. I'm really sorry, but it's Monday, it's ten AM, we're late for work. I overslept."

"Uh? Hm?" He blinked hard, squinted.

"We need to get up. I'm sorry."

"Umm, get me my phone." Richard's voice was sleepy and a little hoarse, and he reached a hand out, made a gimme gesture. 

Jared nodded, got out of bed, found Richard's jacket abandoned on the floor and got his phone out of his pocket. "Here."

Richard took it and turned over on his back, narrowed his eyes at it and made a call. "Yeah uh, hi Monica." He yawned. "I'm not coming in for like uh, two or three days. You're in charge. Don't call me unless it's like, super important, okay? What? None of your business. Uhh. Bye okay, see you uh, maybe Wednesday." He hung up, put the phone down. "Nosy. Hu." He squinted up at Jared, smiled. "Come back here."

They didn't get dressed until Tuesday.

* * *

"Here, look!" Jared handed Richard the binoculars. They were sitting outside, just on Richard's property a few yards from the house, Jared had insisted they come up for air and go outside so they'd pulled on some clothes and improvised a breakfast picnic. 

"What kind of bird is that?"

"It's a swallow. Isn't it cute?"

"Yeah, it's a cute little green fatty."

Jared laughed. 

"So I uh, I kind of, I really liked astronomy when I was younger?" Richard said. "Like, I'd be out with a telescope. At night. All the time. So uh, like, that's kind of similar, right? To this?"

"Kind of," Jared smiled.

"Did you like birdwatching when you were a kid, too?"

"Yes," Jared said. He really wanted to tell Richard all about it. How he moved around a lot and his most prized possessions were his binoculars and his bird book. How one farm he lived at was near a lake and had wonderful water birds. How he always looked for parks and wood areas whenever he came to a new place. He really desperately wanted to share those things, tell Richard about himself, his childhood, but he knew that was a terrible idea. Having started this physical relationship was incredibly irresponsible in and of itself, but trying to get emotionally intimate? Tell Richard about what he'd gone through and how it had made him the person he was for better and for worse? He hadn't had much luck when he'd tried it with others in the past, and in this situation it was impossible. 

"We would have been friends," Richard smiled. "for sure."

Jared didn't know why that moved him so much, but it did, and he just whispered "I would have liked that," and leaned in and kissed Richard, a close-lipped and sweet kiss, and then another. 

"I definitely would have liked that," Richard grinned, slipped a hand into Jared's shorts. 

"Richard, we're outside!"

"Yeah, so? Nearest neighbor is like a mile away."

"Oh, heavens," Jared gasped, holding onto Richard as he stroked him hard, pressing kisses into Jared's neck.

* * *

They didn't make it to work on Wednesday either. Monica sent Richard some ugly late night Ambien-fuelled texts which Richard snorted at and screencapped, grinning. 

"I have a whole folder of these. I'll make her a scrapbook one day."

"She sounds a little stressed," Jared remarked, lying on his stomach next to Richard, perched up on his elbows.

"She'll live."

"We really should get back into the office tomorrow."

Richard sighed deeply. "Yeaaahhh I guess." He smiled. "It's been fun though, right?"

"Yes Richard, it's been great. Hey," Jared nudged him. "you know what I'd like? You know what I wanted ever since I got here?"

"Um, what?" Richard looked interested. Fifteen minutes later they were in the bathtub, Richard sitting with his back against Jared's chest, Jared's arms around him. 

"If you wanted to take a bath why didn't you just take a bath?" Richard asked. "I wouldn't care. I never use the tub."

"You don't? Why not?"

"I don't have the patience for them," Richard said. "my doctor actually recommended I take baths to like, deal with stress, but every time I tried I just sat there thinking about all the shit I need to do. The only person who's ever really used this thing is Winnie. Uhh, my ex girlfriend."

"Well, that needs to change. Because this is nice."

"Um, so. Like. Do you have a lot of, have you been with a lot of people?"

Jared froze a little. He hated that question. It was up there with "How's the weather up there?" and "What have you got planned for Christmas?".

"Let's not do this," Jared said.

"What? You don't want to tell me?"

"No." 

"So uh, a lot?"

"Richard..."

"No uh no, I mean, you're tall and stupid hot, I get it, I'd probably be the same." 

Jared laughed, tightened his grip around Richard. "Stupid hot?" 

"Yeah uh. Yeah. Do you want to know how many people I've been with?"

"No, I don't, Richard. I don't care. You're with me now," he said a little playfully, kissed his shoulder.

"Okay. I know my number, though." Jared pulled back a little and swallowed. He wondered if Richard had meant to be cruel, or if he was just being his usual blunt, tactless self. He tried to believe the latter.

* * *

They went back to work on Thursday and Richard ended up working until ten PM, trying to get caught up. But when Jared fell asleep that night with an exhausted Richard in his arms it felt so nice it was difficult to regret anything at all. Eventually, Sunday came. He'd tried to text Gavin saying "nothing new" but he just got a "12am my house" reply. He really considered just... not going? What was the worst that could happen? Then he spent half an hour in the bathtub picturing all the worsts that could happen (jailtime, Richard hating him forever, and so on) and decided to go.

He found Richard in the kitchen. Coffee was on a french press and he was thickly slicing the sourdough bread Jared had picked up the day before. 

"What are you doing?" Jared asked.

"Um, cooking breakfast! Uh, sit down, I'll um," he smiled. "like, it's your day off, I cook for you, how does that sound?"

"Oh Richard, that's so sweet! I'll um, I don't have a lot of time though, I made plans, I have to get going."

Richard's face fell. "What? What plans?"

"Well yes, it's my day off, I promised my friend Gloria I'd help her put together a bookshelf," Jared said.

"Okay, I'll come with you? I'm, I'm handy." Richard scratched his head. "I mean, I have hands."

"Not this time, okay?" Jared said. "But I'd love for you to meet her some time."

Richard was a very expressive man and his face was doing a lot of frustrated things. "Yeah okay," he said eventually. "I mean, it's your day off, you're right, you see me all the time right?"

"Richard-"

"No, I mean it, go, have fun building a bookshelf. I'm gonna have a friend over probably, watch some Trek." He shrugged, bit his lip. "It's totally fine. Um, hey, sit down, let me get you some coffee."

As it turned out Gavin just really wanted to yell at Jared for an hour for not having been able to copy the MacBook yet and tell him to get a move on, and Jared apologised and apologised and promised he'd get it done as quick as possible. He felt shaken afterwards, pulled into the first empty lot he could find and wiped his eyes, tried to calm down. When he got back to the house he felt completely drained and hoped Richard would be in a better mood because nothing sounded nicer to Jared than cuddling in front of a nature documentary after the day he'd had. Instead he found Richard pacing in his lounge with a worry frown between his eyebrows. 

"Hey, Richard," he said, walked over and touched his arm. "did you get to spend some time with your friend today?"

"Nah, I didn't bother calling him."

"Oh, okay," Jared said. "is something wrong?"

"No," he said. "everything's great." It didn't sound like it. "What did you uh, what did you get up to?"

"I told you, I built a bookshelf for my friend Gloria and then we spent some time catching up. She'd baked cranberry cookies!"

"Yeah? Have fun?"

"Yes, we always have fun, Richard." He smiled. He'd started hating lying to Richard but it was a little easier when he could season it with the truth. "She's a wonderful lady."

"Are you seeing somebody else?" Richard blurted out.

"What? No, I- no, Richard. Why do you say that?"

"Why wouldn't you let me come along?" Richard said petulantly.

"Oh it's- Richard, this just wasn't the best time-"

Richard shrugged, hugged his arms around himself. "Well, excuse me."

Jared sat down. He knew his height could be unintentionally provoking and Richard was clearly out to pick a fight. He folded his hands.

"Can we talk?" he said gently.

Richard chewed his lip. "Okay. Talk."

Jared smiled. "I really, really like you Richard. I've had such a wonderful time with you this last week. I'd really love to include you in my life, eventually, but maybe just for the time being-"

Richard groaned. "You know what? You're fired."

"Wh-what?"

"You heard me. Get out. Like, get your stuff, go go go. I want you out."

"Richard, please-"

"Pack your fucking things and leave, Jared!" 

Richard looked as mad as Jared had ever seen him, and he cringed. He hated confrontation. He got up, determined not to cry in front of Richard. He walked quickly down the corridor, went into his room, packed his things in a daze. He was good at this, quick, it was a skill he'd perfected in his youth which he'd hoped wouldn't come in useful anymore. In minutes his things were all neatly pressed together in his bag and he sat down on his bed, breathing hard, trying to collect himself. He reached under his pillow and retrieved Gavin's flash drive. He walked through the bathroom and into Richard's bedroom. Richard's MacBook lay abandoned on his bed. 

The drive was cold in his hand. He got his phone out of his pocket, took several deep breaths to steady himself, and dialled.


	8. Chapter 8

"Yeah uh, it's Jared, Jared Dunn," Jared said into his phone.

"Ready to type?" the male voice on the other side replied.

"Yes."

He dictated a command.

"Done," Jared said.

"Okay. When it's done working, take out the drive, turn off the MacBook." He hung up.

* * *

Jared loitered outside the Hooli HQ. He wished Gavin hadn't asked him to come there. He really didn't want to get recognised by any of his old coworkers, which is why he was wearing a pair of sunglasses. Finally Hoover appeared.

"This way, Dunn."

He followed and they walked through the delivery routes, not through the offices, until they reached Gavin Belson's top floor office. Gavin walked over to him, not hiding his eagerness. "Well, you have it?"

Jared reached in his laptop bag and handed over the flash drive. "Yes," he whispered, then cleared his throat. "yes, this is it," he said more firmly.

Gavin grinned, then he nodded at Hoover, who walked out and shortly came back inside with a rangy, dark haired man carrying a laptop. Jared recognised Jared Patakian, who had been hired a little bit before Gavin had called him into his office that day. He remembered being anxious about working closely with him as that would mean having to devise some sort of nameshare system. In retrospect, that seemed like a pretty pathetic thing to worry about. Jared handed Jared Patakian the drive. 

"You did as I told you?" Patakian asked Jared. Jared nodded. So he had been the man who answered the Pizza Express number Gavin had given him.

"I put it in the MacBook, turned it on, typed in the command you gave me, the bar filled up, then I removed the drive and turned it off."

"Good." Patakian sat down with the laptop on his knees and put the drive in, typed quickly.

"Well?" Gavin asked.

The man nodded. "Looks good. If there's anything of value in here, we'll be able to extract it."

"When?" Gavin asked.

"How long is a piece of string?" Patakian replied.

"You have a week, Patakian."

He looked a little subdued. "Um, yes sir."

"You know what's two weeks from now, Jared?" Gavin asked. 

Jared smiled a confused smile, tried to make it look genuine. Of course he knew. But Gavin liked telling him. 

"HooliCon," Gavin said. "the HooliNet already has a decent framework, but it's slow and huge and effectively renders your phone unuseable. With this algorithm, we should be able to have it ready by the con."

"That doesn't seem like a very long time?"

"You want to know the difference between people like me, and people like you, Jared?"

No, Jared thought. 

"Yes," Jared said.

"People like me have vision. If somebody tells us something is impossible, we just want to do it all the more. We're driven by our imagination. Where you see a wall, I see a door. It's that simple. That's why I'm a billionaire, and you're not."

Jared nodded. "Well, speaking of money."

Gavin tilted his head. "Yes. Alright. Patakian?"

Jared Patakian looked up at him. "What's your poison? Bitcoin? Ethereum? Ripple?"

"Um, just American dollars will do me fine," Jared said.

"Boring," Patakian said, furiously typed some more. "have you changed your account information since you were formally on the Hooli payroll?"

"No, no I have not."

Patakian hit the enter key. "Congratulations. You are now a millionaire. The funds will not be able to be traced back to Hooli but you might want to take some precautions before the IRS comes snooping around."

Jared blinked. "Wait, already?"

"Congratulations," Gavin said, grasped his shoulder, and his grip was hard. "I'd like you to come to HooliCon, Jared. I'd like you to witness the birth of the new internet. Of HooliNet."

"Um, I'd like that, Gavin," Jared said.

"If you leave town, I'll know."

"Okay."

"Be there."

"I will, I will."

After the meeting Jared drove straight home to his Palo Alto condo. It was the first time he'd been home for, well, what had it been, six weeks? Gosh, it felt like more. He'd left all his plants at Gloria's place, as she'd kindly agreed to look after them, he really needed to get her a thoughtful gift for that. He could certainly afford it now. He was almost a little afraid to check his bank account. Scared that the money was real, scared that it wasn't. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he'd check, tomorrow he'd buy something nice for Gloria and stop by her place and hang out and get his plants back, but right now, all he had the energy to do was sleep. He walked into his bedroom and fell into his kingsize bed, starfished out, groaned, and was out like a light.

* * *

Jared fingered the HooliCon entrance card around his neck. He was embarrassed to be there. He'd run into several people who knew him in the Hooli days, most of whom looked pretty mad at him, even someone who worked on the Hoolistic project. He'd put on the sunglasses again but they weren't working as well as he'd hoped in making him invisible. A few people had come up to him and offered support too, which was nice, but he really just wanted to go as undetected as he could. 

Over the last couple of weeks he hadn't gone out much, he'd visited a couple of friends and stocked his empty cupboards but other than that he'd mainly stayed in the condo. Gavin's comment about how he'd know if he left town had scared him a little bit, made him paranoid. It hadn't been too bad, he'd been able to read a lot of books he'd bought but never got around to and binge some of those shows everybody were always talking about. If he still had a job he'd have been able to join in on all of those conversations, yes sir, he absoutely had an opinion on Killing Eve and Nailed It! and Succession now. 

He'd also touched base with Gavin. Jared Patakian and his team had been able to successfully clone Richard's MacBook and crack the encryption. Gavin didn't go into too much detail but Jared could tell from his voice he had everything he wanted. The day after he'd spoken to him a courier came to Jared's door with the HooliCon pass. 

Jared made his way into the main hall, stood at the back. Hoover saw him, came up to him. 

"Good of you to make it, Dunn. Gavin will be pleased."

Jared nodded. "Wouldn't miss it."

"I'll let him know you're here. Are you sure you don't want to sit in front?"

"I'm sure, Hoover," Jared said, grimacing a little. "this is... this is a little uncomfortable for me."

Hoover looked at him for a beat, then gave his shoulder a pat and nodded, before walking away.

The lights dimmed, the conversation in the audience hushed, and suddenly futuristic EDM music started playing and a light show went off on stage. Smoke machines shot out plumes of blue smoke, and when it settled, Gavin Belson stood on stage, in one of his power poses. The applause thundered. 

"Ladies and gentlemen," Gavin Belson said into the microphone. "welcome to the future of the internet. Welcome... to the HooliNet."

* * *

TWO MONTHS EARLIER

"Richard please, I really need this job, I-"

"Like uh you knew and uh you agreed to the terms?" Richard shifted in his chair. This didn't happen often when the three month contract was over (most of his assistants looked pretty relieved by the end of it), and he tried being as transparent as possible with the short nature of the engagement exactly so he could avoid it, but some times it did. Sarah's lip was wobbling and Richard cringed. 

"Three more months, please, Richard, I'm helping my mom pay for medical expenses and I won't be able to get anything else that pays as well. My dad has been able to take leave from his job to take care of her because of my salary. I don't care if I have to-"

"Mmm, hmm," Richard nodded, texting under his desk. 

_HELP_

"Are you even listening? Do you even care?"

"Look uh you'll get a good reference, everybody's going to be impressed you have Pied Piper on the CV, you'll find another job."

"That's not the point, the point is-"

Gilfoyle walked into the office, looked Sarah up and down. "Didn't your engagement end yesterday? What are you still doing here?"

She shot him a hateful look and then looked back at Richard. "Richard. Please."

"Scram, lady," Gilfoyle said.

She looked like she bit back a comment, possibly thinking about that reference. She turned on her heel and left. Richard sighed and sank down in his chair. 

"I fucking tell them," Richard said, gesturing. "I say, three months, that's it, literally it, why come fucking crying to me about sick moms? Fuck, it's not my problem!"

"Uh huh," Gilfoyle said. "fuck her dying mother."

"I didn't - I didn't say that, I-"

"I think I found her replacement," Gilfoyle said, handing over a folder. Every applicant for the PA position first had to get approved by HR, and then the best candidates had to pass Gilfoyle's security checks. Richard accepted it, opened it, frowned.

"There's just one application in here? You usually get me a few to choose from?"

"I think this is our guy. HR sent this one to me directly."

Richard took it out, looked at it, then snorted. "Jared Dunn? Seriously?" A little passport photo was clipped to the application, in it Jared smiled the sad-eyed smile that had been displayed all over the newspapers and tech news pages the last weeks.

"Yep."

"Holy shit, he's been reduced to this, huh? That's... sad. But uh, no." He put the application back in the folder, slid it back across his desk. "Dude is a security risk. Like. Funny prank, Gilfoyle. Please show me the real folder now."

"No prank."

"Okay? You want me to hire someone who is literally known for leaking documents? And who worked for a company that tried to take me down for years? As a personal assistant, to like, live with me?"

"Yep."

Richard groaned in frustration. The monosyllabic mysteriousness drove him up the wall some times. "Okay, Gilfoyle. Why. Why should I hire Jared fucking Dunn. Please, tell me, I'm on the edge of my seat."

"I think he's a spy. I think he's still working for Gavin Belson."


	9. Chapter 9

Gilfoyle's arms were across his chest, and no "sike" appeared forthcoming. He really wanted Richard to knowingly take a suspected industrial spy into his home.

"Okay, I'm sold," Richard said sarcastically. "when can he start."

"Belson's made overtures before, but not this blatant. It's a chance to send him a signal once and for all. Put a dead horse's head in his bed."

Richard grimaced. "What the fuck? We can't... decapitate Jared Dunn."

"I was speaking metaphorically, Dick."

Richard frowned. "I don't know. This sounds, uh. Besides, why do you think he's a spy, exactly? Like, he's literally involved in a whistleblower case against Gavin Belson."

"Yes, and I have it on good authority Code/Rag was going to publish an expose and had contacted Gavin for comment right before WaPo suddenly got their hands on the story."

"You're still dating CJ?"

"I'm not 'dating' her," Gilfoyle said. "but yes, she told me. I asked around about Dunn. He's an obsequious little Vassar milquetoast who's worked for Hooli for seven years. He's not even a coder. He's a cog in the machine. Guys like this don't dismantle coorporations like Hooli, they build them."

"What if you're wrong?" Richard said.

"Then I look like a tool in a tinfoil hat and Jared Dunn gets the privilege of changing your diapers for a few months." Gilfoyle shrugged. "No harm done. Do I have your permission to set up an interview next week?"

Richard squirmed. "Uhh, man, I don't know, this feels kind of weird."

"Cool, I'll have Holden call him." 

Gilfoyle turned and left the office.

* * *

Lupe knocked on the door of Richard's home library.

"Jared Dunn is here to see you, Richard. I'll meet him in the driveway and ask him to wait in your office."

"Okay uh, okay. I'll be right out. Thanks."

Richard frantically got his phone out, called Gilfoyle.

_"What," _Gilfoyle replied.

"He's here, he's here, he's here. Like uh, this was a bad fucking idea! I can't do this, I can't."

_"Yes you can, just act like you always do."_

"I don't know how!"

There was a sigh on the other end. _"Richard, you have my permission, nay, my encouragement, to be your neurotic, weird, unfriendly and gross self around Jared Dunn."_

"What the fuck? I'm friendly!!"

_"Let him do the most demeaning tasks you can come up with. In fact, time him doing them."_

"Time him?"

_"The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. Sun Tzu."_

"What, like, get in his head? I can't do that, who do you think I am?"

_"I think you're a guy who drives a good 80 percent of his personal assistants insane without even trying."_

"That's not true," Richard mumbled. "maybe like half."

_"So don't try. Think you can do that for me, Dick?"_

"You can do this," he'd mumbled to himself after hanging up on Gilfoyle. "just act normal. Just act normal." He'd marched over to his office and gone inside. The man who must be Jared Dunn turned and stood and Richard didn't know if it was the height, the sky blue of his eyes, the guileless look on his face, but instead of the terror he had anticipated he instead felt an instant attraction like he didn't think he'd ever had before in his life. He'd garbled his way through the interview and Jared had accepted the position and Jesus Christ now he was going to have to live with the guy.

Richard lay in bed that night kind of worrying at it, like a puppy with a dishrag. He'd never been, uh, like a very passionate individual. His rare crushes were mainly sad and weak and at a distance, in a "wouldn't it be nice" kind of way. He'd had a couple of hookups with men in the past couple of years, finally having worked up the nerve to try it, but his relationships - plural, if not by much - had all been with women, but it had been about four years now since his last one (Winnie, one of his first PAs, it had lasted for about nine months and Richard had been irrationally annoyed he hadn't been able to clear a year, even though he hadn't been too cut up about actually being dumped). He'd blamed his single status on his circumstances (sleeping on a bunk bed in a house with a bunch of other programmers wasn't ideal for dating), then his work (he really had been insanely busy when Pied Piper actually became a Real Thing), but he was running out of excuses now. Like, he was rich, he was fucking rich, it should be easy. It could be easy. But he hated the whole entire dating culture in Silicon Valley. The first time he heard the term "cuddle puddle" he literally gagged. Being touched by one person was enough of an ordeal, and in a situation like that, what if he like, brushed Jack Dorsey's balls or something? There wasn't enough soap and hot water in the world. And he didn't want someone who just wanted a meal ticket, he wasn't that desperate for company. His PAs were more than enough. Some of them just kind of grimly did their work but some were friendly, some were fun. Like Greg, who loved gaming and was always down for a multiplayer or tabletop, or Karen, who basically treated the job like an artist's retreat and created fucking amazing paintings in her downtime. She'd given him one when she left and he'd framed and hung it up in his office. Maybe he was an insane rose-tinted glasses romantic who'd watched too many Disney movies growing up or something but if he was going to put work and time and feelings and effort into a relationship, he wanted it to be with someone he actually really liked, who actually really liked him back. But Richard didn't really like anyone all that much and suspected that beyond the money, there wasn't all that much to like about him. 

But then like. Jared. Had just stood there. And now he couldn't get him out of his head. He'd always assumed love at first sight was a total bullshit notion, more like lust at first sight, okay, which was yet another thing in life reserved for the beautiful, but - Jesus Christ. There had to be something else there. Something he wasn't aware of. So he worried at it.

At 2AM, he thought he might have cracked it.

Mark.

He'd been friends with Mark in school, smitten with him really, in a way he hadn't realised was more than just friendly until a few years in. They played D&D together, with a couple of other outcasts, Darren who was adopted from Korea and Tommy who'd had his jaw wired shut because he was a fat fuck (the late 90s diagnosis) or because he had an eating disorder (the 2019 diagnosis). He still vividly remembered Tommy micro-waving icecream so he could drink it with a straw. Mark was tall, very tall, Richard was on the shorter side before his final growth spurt, they looked ridiculous together. Mark was skin and bones and had neat brown hair and loved astronomy. He was the first person Richard knew who shared that interest. And he was just, like, kind. He didn't dunk on anyone. He was quiet and shy and didn't hate anything except sports (probably because people who knew nothing about him kept telling him to try out for the basketball team), which he could be searingly dismissive and hilarious about.

When they were 17 they'd driven out in the middle of the night to watch a forecasted meteor shower, and it had been such a clear night and it was just perfect and the sight had been so dazzling and exhilarating Mark had turned on their shared picnic blanket and hugged Richard, and for a moment he'd found the universe in his arms. It hadn't been like a quick, excited hug either, he'd actually held Richard, pressed a cold cheek to his and wrapped those long skinny arms around him and Richard hadn't been able to resist using a hand to stroke that neat hair, just to see how that'd feel. It felt... really fucking nice. Mark had let go, looked at him a little quizzically.

"What are you doing?"

"Uhh uh, sorry? I don't know."

"It's a meteor shower, not a full moon," Mark had smiled and pulled away and Richard had laughed nervously and it hadn't been brought up again, and Mark was way too nice and decent to tell the guys or treat him any differently but Richard had retreated a little, felt dumb and pathetic and pitiful. They still hung out all the time until they went off for college, but never alone anymore, always with Darren and Tommy. Mark had hugged him again, once, their last night together before Richard went off for Stanford, and Richard had been stiff and awkward and it had been brief and and kind of weird, but Richard still appreciated it.

That was probably it, Richard decided. Jared reminded him of all the best things about the first person he fell in love with, and now he got heart palpitations because of a gawky, servile dude who was in a fucking world of legal trouble at best and a spy out to steal his IP at worst. And if he really was a spy, how the fuck could Gavin Belson have found someone Richard just... responded to that strongly? Was he that easy to read? Was he that obvious? Oh, Richard Hendricks, just send him someone who's 6'4" and treats him with a semblance of authentic kindness and patience and he'll turn to jelly?

He decided to stop thinking about it.

* * *

After a few days Richard had more or less come to terms with the fact that he had a big stupid crush on a man who possibly worked for a hostile coorporation. Like, okay, it was a lot, but he could handle it. He followed Gilfoyle's instructions to be spiky and aloof and it came easy, which made him think he probably could do with reconsidering how he treated his PAs in general. And then, one night he'd vomited from anxiety (okay, maybe he wasn't handling it all that well on that particular night) and called for help like, like a fucking baby, Jared had cleaned up his mess and even made him some tea, all good, all great, but then, he had, sitting on the edge of Richard's bed, so close he could feel the heat of his body radiate through the covers, in that soft looking white V neck he slept in, that long pale column of a neck on full display, he was like a fucking swan or something Jesus Christ, and he'd looked down on him and said, in that voice, that gentle, tender, everything-is-going-to-be-all-right voice, "I'll stay if you like."

Like what the fuck?

Stay?

Stay where?

Like in his bedroom?

In his bed?

Of course he'd said no because he was a pussy, but like, that was, that was on the menu? That was a possibility? That was something he could ask for and get? That was when Richard Hendricks forgot all about how he was supposed to keep Jared Dunn at a safe distance.

* * *

The distance closed and the few days he and Jared spent together, just the two of them, talking and fucking and making out and very occasionally coming up for food or air were among the happiest of Richard's life. He knew for a fact he had never been in love like this, all those dumb fucking songs finally made sense – Close To You by The Carpenters came on the radio and where Richard would have turned it off as fast as possible before now it stopped him in his tracks because it was just so _true_. He even put it on a playlist. And Jared appeared to, well, reciprocate. Like in a really... like intense way? He was still polite and guarded and all that shit but Richard slowly felt the whole, uh, employer/employee divide crumbling and he couldn't be more thrilled. So he'd been both genuinely surprised and hurt when Jared had made plans, as usual, on Sunday. Like okay he probably had a life and all that but like this was still new and hot and good and like... all Richard's friends who got boyfriends or girlfriends always ghosted him in the honeymoon phase, why couldn't Jared ghost his friends for Richard? Like once? Unless, of course, he was lying, as was kind of the whole working assumption here and the reason he was even hired. After Jared drove off, Richard called Gilfoyle and told him to meet him at the office.

"Richard, you've been pacing for three minutes, you're going to give me one of your ulcers," Gilfoyle said, legs on his desk. "just fucking tell me what happened."

"Well, uhh ahh uhhhhh me and uh well Jared, Jared Dunn, we uhh, we're sleeping together."

Gilfoyle narrowed his eyes. "What."

"I know, I know."

"You told me you don't sleep with your PAs." He pronounced 'PAs' with audible quote marks.

"I don't! I haven't! Well, except Winnie. But like, I don't. Normally."

"So when Gavin Belson decides to send an industrial spy into your fucking house, you decide it's a good time to start?"

Richard groaned, fell into the nearest chair. "Fuck."

"I get it though," Gilfoyle said. "he's pretty irresistible. I know I always wanted to fuck a human approximation of a haunted birch."

"Shut up," Richard said, balling up sideways in the chair.

"I should have known he was your type when I saw that stack of Morticians Gone Wild under your bed."

"Are you done?"

"Hey Richard, when you sixty nine your boyfriend, how do you pass time on the commute?" Richard looked up and made a confused grimace. "Okay, now I'm done."

"Gilfoyle," Richard said, not quite daring to meet his eye. Not for the first time, he wished he had more friends, someone he could talk to about shit like this without feeling like he was stepping onto a minefield. "like. Do you think. You may have been wrong? Maybe Jared isn't a spy? Maybe he like, you know, really did have ethical objections towards the Hoolistic project, got in over his head, applied to work for me because he was desperate and maybe like... decided he liked me? For some god forsaken reason? Is there like. A chance at least? That somebody could be into me for another reason than the fact I'm rich?" 

"I'm not the therapist you so desperately need," Gilfoyle said. "and I'm not going to lie to you. You are a weird, flawed and frequently deranged human being. But guess what. So is literally everybody else. People are scum, Richard. If only perfect people got to be liked or like someone, we might as well all commit mass suicide."

"Uh. Thank you?"

"You're welcome." Gilfoyle got up, got an envelope out from a drawer in his desk and gave it to Richard. "Putting all that aside, you should probably have a look at this."

Richard sighed and opened the envelope, got out a small stack of photos. They were taken with a telephoto lens and showed Jared with Gavin. Sharing coffee. In the park. They were all dated, and Richard realised they were all taken on recent Sundays, when Jared had his time off. Richard flipped through them a little impassively - he'd not put too much stake in Gilfoyle being wrong, he was usually right - then stopped. The most recent picture, dated Sunday a week ago, was taken outside Gavin's property and in through a window (the photographer must have been in a tree or used a drone?) and showed Jared, recognisably inside Gavin's living room, and Gavin's hand was on Jared's cheek. Something about the intimacy of the gesture made Richard's guts churn. 

"Fuck that," he said weakly.

"The good news is he doesn't like you for your money. The bad news is I'm pretty sure he likes Gavin Belson for his."

Richard threw the pictures down on the floor, pulled his hoodie up over his head, then pulled on the strings until just his beaky nose was visible through the gap.

* 

That photo of Jared and Gavin in Gavin's house just would not leave his retinas. That would have been just hours before Richard took him to the opera that night, before Jared kissed him. He was so angry he was almost shaking, and had a hard time keeping it together when Jared came back, serving him some bullshit about a bookshelf. 

"Can we talk?" Jared asked, clearly picking up on his mood. 

Richard bit his lip so hard he tasted copper. That little hopeful voice inside of him just would not give up. If Jared would just come clean, just tell him, he could - well, they could take it from there. "Okay," Richard told Jared. "talk."

Jared smiled mildly. God, his smile was like, annoyingly pretty. "I really, really like you Richard. I've had such a wonderful time with you this last week. I'd really love to include you in my life, eventually, but maybe just for the time being-"

Well, so much for that. "You know what? You're fired."

"Wh-what?"

"You heard me. Get out. Like, get your stuff, go go go. I want you out."

"Richard, please-"

"Pack your fucking things and leave, Jared!"

Jared got up, looked at him for a few beats with a kicked puppy face, then turned and walked down the corridor. Richard threw himself down on a chair, wondering what the fuck to do. After fifteen minutes, he felt no calmer, but a lot closer to tears. He should confront Jared, do it properly, so he'd at least know, know one hundred percent for sure, it was only ever about the money for him. He got up and was about to go down to Jared's room when the doorbell buzzed. Who the fuck could it be at this time? Everybody had gone home except himself and Jared. And they were insistent. Richard groaned, went over to the calling system.

"Uh, who the fuck is this?"

"This is the police. Please open the gate."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my favourite chapter to write <3
> 
> I got the term "cuddle puddle" from Emily Chang's excellent book Brotopia. IRL Silicon Valley is the woooorrrrsstt
> 
> New ep soon!! Please can Jared and Richard make up I'll take anything at this point haha


	10. Chapter 10

"Uhhh, what??" Richard said.

"SFPD, we're responding to a house call, please open the gate."

Richard looked around, saw Jared standing in the doorway with his bag over his shoulder. "Did - did you call the fucking police?"

Jared nodded.

"What? Why the fuck would you-? Why?"

"I'm turning myself in," Jared said wanly. "I'm sorry, Richard. I've been working for Gavin Belson this whole time, trying to get your algorithm." He took the flash drive out of his pocket. "This is a device that can copy the whole content of a MacBook, I was going to put it into yours and then it was going to get hacked at Hooli HQ."

Richard gaped. Jared walked over, buzzed the button that opened the gates. He looked at the security camera and the police car drove up the driveway.

"Jesus Christ, Jared!"

"I'm sorry," Jared said. He'd hoped he'd be able to hold it together but he gasped and sniffled. "I'm so, so sorry, Richard."

"I uhh I uh uhh--- I uh--"

"I love you," Jared said in a thin voice, wiped his face. "I'm going to make this as right as I can."

There was a loud knock, and Richard swore, then ran over to the door. Two police offers stood outside, a big Asian dude and a white guy with a goatee.

"Hello sir, can we come in," the Asian officer asked.

"Um, like, kind of, false alarm? Like, no harm no foul? Sorry? But you can like, leave?"

"We're going to have to take a look around."

"Ummm," Richard said, then stepped aside. They walked in. Jared was trying to collect himself, wiping his face, clutching his bag.

"Did you make the phone call, sir?" the officer asked Jared.

"Yes," Jared said in a high pitched, watery voice. "I--"

"Uhhhh my boyfriend is, kind of a fucking drama queen," Richard said. "we had a big fucking fight and he decided he's going to turn himself in to the police for seeing another guy behind my back."

The officers exchanged a look.

"Well, I did a little more than see him," Jared said, incredulously.

"Yeah okay fine we don't need to get into the details," Richard said. "but uh the point is I mean, I'm mad, but I knew, okay, I knew."

Jared gaped. "How... how long?"

"I knew all along, Jared. I was just kind of, waiting for you to tell me."

"Oh my goodness," Jared whispered.

"You seriously don't think the police have anything better to do than watch you two have a fight?" the goatee huffed. "We should take the both of you in for wasting police time."

"We're sorry, we're really sorry," Richard said. "like, we had a drink, things got out of hand, he went to pack his things and apparently turn himself in to the authorities for cheating on me." Richard made a noise which was probably supposed to be a laugh.

"Can you believe this?" the goatee told his partner. The other officer sighed.

He pointed at Jared. "Don't make another frivolous phone call like this. And keep it in your pants."

"Yes officer," Jared said, swallowed thickly. They watched the officers leave and drive away without saying anything. Richard finally broke the silence.

"So. Uh."

"You really knew? All the time?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"Gilfoyle. Hiring you was his idea in the first place. He figured out the whistleblower thing was a cover. He has uh, his sources."

"What?"

"He's fucking CJ Cantwell."

"Oh."

"Like was, was..." Richard's voice dropped to a whisper. "was kissing me part of the plan too? Did-did Gavin Belson tell you to do that?"

"No, no, not at all," Jared gasped. "no. I... I wanted that. For myself. Oh my goodness, Richard. That was the only thing that wasn't a lie."

"Okay," Richard said. "cool. Uh."

Jared finally dropped his bag, walked over, leant down and hugged Richard close, sobbed again when Richard's arms came up around him. 

"What happens now?" Jared whispered.

"I don't fucking know," Richard said.

* 

It was midnight, and Richard Hendricks, Jared Dunn, Monica Hall, Bertram Gilfoyle and Dinesh Chugtai were all sitting in one of Pied Piper's meeting rooms. The building was otherwise completely deserted, save for a security guard on the ground floor.

"Do you want to tell us why you dragged us out here, Richard?" Monica said a little grumpily. She was wearing a big hoodie and leggings, her hair gathered in a sloppy ponytail.

"Um yes. I uh. Well. Ummm. Jared, maybe you..."

Jared swallowed hard. This was so difficult. He liked Monica, he felt he got on well with Dinesh, and Gilfoyle terrified him. "I work for Gavin Belson," he said, in an unsteady voice. "he made me apply to be Richard's personal assistant so I could steal his algorithm and he could implement it in his new proposed HooliNet."

"What the fuuuck," Dinesh said.

"Umm Jared, does not work for Gavin anymore," Richard said. "he's uh, changed sides." He put the flash drive on the table. "He gave me this and called the police tonight, he was going to turn himself in and I stopped him."

"Why?" Gilfoyle asked.

Jared found it hard to meet Gilfoyle's eye. His stare was disconcerting. "Well, because I couldn't do that to Richard. I should never have agreed to do this in the first place. Gavin put me in a terribly difficult position, but that's no excuse. I knew it was wrong."

"What is that thing?" Monica asked.

"It's a device that can copy the content of a MacBook without opening it with a password first."

"Bullshit," Gilfoyle said.

"Gavin gave it to me, he told me that's how it works. I haven't actually tried it."

"How can we trust him?" Dinesh asked suspiciously.

"Well uh um," Richard said. "me and. Jared. Are uh." He flapped a hand inbetween them. "Together."

"Yes I can se you are together," Dinesh said, rolling his eyes. "I asked, how can we trust him."

Gilfoyle turned. "He means together as in- you know how you're gay for my code? Richard is gay for Jared."

Dinesh's mouth fell open. "Noo," he said in a half-whisper. "but you're both so... ugly. All men are ugly. Especially Gilfoyle."

"If I'm so ugly, how come you jerk it to my subroutines?"

"Okay, that is a gross misrepresentation of what happened!"

"Wait, what happened?" Monica asked.

"At TechCrunch Disrupt-" Gilfoyle started and Dinesh slapped a hand over his mouth before he could continue. He smiled pleasantly.

"I'm sorry, Richard. I'm actually really happy for you. On second thought, you make a really cute couple. Like, the height difference? Adorable."

Gilfoyle wrenched Dinesh's hand off his face. "At TechCrunch Disrupt-"

"Shut up, dog food face," Dinesh said and they started tussling.

"Cut it out," Monica said, "both of you! Jesus Christ!" They broke apart, looking a little embarrassed, Gilfoyle crossed his arms over his chest and Dinesh was visibly flushed. She lit a cigarette with shaking hands. "This is why I don't have kids."

"If we can all, um, like, focus on, what do we do now?" Richard said.

"We're going to take apart that Hooli flash drive," Gilfoyle said. "but first, I want to see if it works."

He went to find an old MacBook in his office, plugged the drive into it. Jared got his phone out, dialled the Pizza Express number Gavin had saved in his contacts and put it on speaker. Somebody picked up on the second ring.

"Yeah uh, it's Jared, Jared Dunn," Jared said.

"Ready to type?" the male voice on the other side replied.

"Yes."

He dictated a command. Gilfoyle input it, pressed enter.

"Done," Jared said.

"Okay. When it's done working, take out the drive, turn off the MacBook." He hung up.

"Holy shit," Gilfoyle muttered, watching the screen. He looked almost shaken. "what the fuck is this thing?"

"Is it like uh?" Richard asked.

"Yeah, it's working. Looks like it." He looked up. "I'm taking this into my office. Me and Son of Anton need to work on this in peace."

"Please can I help?" Dinesh asked. "PLEASE?"

"No."

"Richard," Dinesh said sharply and probably a little louder than intended, turned to look at him. "don't you think, as Gilfoyle's BOSS, Gilfoyle might need some help-"

"Like just uh, let him uh, do his thing."

Dinesh's eyebrows took a sharp fall downwards, but he stopped arguing. After half an hour had passed, Gilfoyle came back in.

"Oh uh?" Richard said.

"That thing is fucked up. I've never seen anything like it. Hooli must have finally hired someone who isn't a total idiot."

"There's a new team led by a man called Jared Patakian-" Jared started.

"The cyborg," Gilfoyle said, ominously. "fuck."

"Yes he uh, he identifies? As a cyborg?" Jared said. "Which, obviously, I respect."

"What did you find out, Gilfoyle?" Monica asked impatiently.

"It works just like Dunn said. Copied the whole MacBook, I was able to set up a clone in less than twenty minutes. I mean, everything on it is encrypted and password protected just like the original, but if they can do this..." he shuddered a little.

"This is actually pretty messed up," Monica said. "Hooli are basically developing tools to commit large scale IP theft and industrial espionage."

"But... why?" Richard said. "Like, literally just to get their hands on my algorithm? Every other thing they want they just buy, which is legal and way easier, they have all the fucking money in the world."

"Huge international market for this kind of shit," Gilfoyle said. "nothing wrong with selling these kinds of tools. It's using them that can get them into hot water."

"Pretty big risk to take for a coorporation like Hooli," Monica said. "he must be desperate for your algorithm."

"Gavin's very keen for the HooliNet to work, but I think above all it's personal for him," Jared said quietly. "he really dislikes Richard. He can get a little reckless when his emotions get involved."

"Richard, I'd like you to step into my office," Gilfoyle said. He looked at the others. "this might take a while."

"Richard gets to help??" Dinesh said. "I'll come too."

"No."

"I want a part in this! How often does something this exciting happen here!"

"You can watch Mata Hari over there," Gilfoyle said, nodding at Jared. "don't let him seduce you."

"Shut the fuck up, Gilfoyle," Monica said. Gilfoyle cleared his throat a little, looked down, and silently walked out of the office, Richard trailing behind.

"So when Richard missed all those days from work..." Monica said.

Jared smiled a little embarrassedly. "I'm sorry, Monica. We should have been more considerate of your workload."

Monica took another drag on her cigarette. "Good for Richard, honestly. I'm jealous."

"What are we talking about, exactly?" Dinesh asked.

Monica looked over at him, raised an eyebrow, and blew smoke out of her mouth in that weird face-twisting way she did. 

*

When the sun rose Dinesh, Jared and Monica were all curled up on various chairs and sofas, sleeping, and Gilfoyle and Richard, red-eyed and clearly running on coffee and fumes, came back into the meeting room. Jared woke up from the sound of the door opening and stretched, his whole body hurting from sleeping in a chair, his face dusted with dark stubble. "Richard!"

That woke up Monica and Dinesh too, who both looked like shit. 

"Give me a cigarette," Gilfoyle told Monica in a hoarse voice, and she got in her purse, lit one, Gilfoyle reached for it but she put it in her own mouth, then she got another cigarette out and lit it with the other before handing it over.

"That was like a Tarantino move," Dinesh said in a sleepy voice, with the same look of approval he always had when somebody got one over on Gilfoyle. "baller."

"You're going to give this to Gavin Belson," Gilfoyle told Jared, giving him the flash drive. 

"Wouldn't it be easier to let the authorities handle this?" Jared asked nervously.

"No," Richard said. "he fucked with the wrong pair of boys."

"You know who's not baller?" Dinesh asked, still sounding sleepy. "You, Richard."

"After you've given him the drive, go back to your place and act normal. You can't contact Richard, and no Richard, for the last time, you can't fucking contact him either," Gilfoyle said.

"For- for how long?" Jared asked.

"For as long as it takes. But at a guess – until HooliCon."

"Oh," Jared said. He sounded scared.

Richard sat down next to him and took his hand. "Um, Jared. Like, if you don't want to, you obviously don't have to. We can call the police. That uh, that works too. We have plenty of evidence to take Gavin down."

"But-" Gilfoyle started.

"We do, okay?" Richard said, giving Gilfoyle a hard look. He turned back to look at Jared. "The like uh, the main thing is, like uh, to me anyway, is I wanna be with you. I uh I hope uh you want that too. I um. I uh. I loveyoutoo."

Jared's eyes welled up, he was exhausted and emotional and he helplessly leaned in to kiss Richard, and Richard kissed back, brought a hand up to gently cup his face, and the kiss was stubbly and morning breathy and kind of gross but it was soft and comforting and assuring too. Jared pretty much forgot they weren't alone in the room, only remembered when Monica cleared her throat, and reluctantly pulled away.

Jared was quiet for a bit, then he nodded. "I'll do it, Richard. I've come this far. Might as well see it through."

"Well thank fuck for that," Gilfoyle muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close to the ending now!
> 
> "All men are ugly" is obviously a callback to Dinesh's series one (?) belief that "all women are beautiful". Like it shouldn't even be as funny as it is but Kumail's delivery is pure class. I didn't really give Dinesh a lot to do in this but I love him and Dinfoyle bickering so he needed a little cameo at least.
> 
> Russ Hanneman was so funny last episode (my liege), but it was kind of Not Great overall. God I hate the Holden storyline!! I wish there were more eps this season, they have all these ideas they're rushing through without being able to give any of them the right amount of time. Tethics could have been a season long arc in itself.


	11. Chapter 11

TWO WEEKS LATER

The HooliNet logo filled the screen beind Gavin. It pixellated out to show a film of people - a little bald boy in a cancer ward, an attractive homeless girl, a black female president - all using Hooli apps on the HooliNet, which was indicated by a little 'h' logo in the top right corner of their phone. Then the stage went black but for a spotlight on Gavin. 

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said. "the HooliNet is in effect..." he snapped his fingers with a loud snapping sound (Jared assumed it had been pre-recorded, as it didn't really match up with his fingers). "now. The updates rolled out across the network last night. If you have any of the four last generations of the HooliPhone, you will be able to use it starting now." He got a phone out of his pocket, and the screen behind him split to show his phonescreen as well as his face. He stroked his phone and went into his settings, turned HooliNet - which had appeared under the mobile data and Wifi switches - to the 'on' position. The little 'h' appeared in the phone's corner. Spontaneous applause burst out. Jared looked around to see several audience members on their phones, trying it out already.

"And now, the world of Hooli is free and open to me," Gavin said. "where will I go first? HooliSocial? HooliDates? Or maybe I'll catch up with a good friend on HooliChat? Ladies and gentlemen, how about I call up my close personal friend Ashton Kutcher, the star of That 70s Show!"

Gavin looked like he'd expected more than the polite applause that got, but still, found the HooliChat app and tapped it. The screen went black. Gavin frowned.

THE HOOLINET WAS BUILT ON STOLEN TECH

a message flashed on screen in green letters. 

DON'T GIVE THESE ASSHOLES YOUR DATA

replaced it.

Jared smiled an awed smile. That had to be a Gilfoyle touch. Then there was a flash of an explosion on stage and the phone screen blacked out, gasps turned to yells as several phones in the room sparked and and fizzed, Gavin swore loudly into the microphone. Jared decided it was time to leave. He slipped out as chaos broke out in the hall. He quickly walked out of the building and down the driveway. When he saw Richard get out of a waiting car and walk towards him, grinning big, he tore of his sunglasses and nearly broke out into a run. Richard jumped into a hug and Jared held him tight, lifted him off the ground for a second. 

"Guys! Sappy reunion in the car!" Dinesh said, leaning out of the car window.

"Cool come on, come on uhh," Richard said, grabbing Jared's hand hard, dragging him into the backseat. 

Gilfoyle hit the gas and they drove off.

"What happened?" Gilfoyle asked. "Be as detailed as you can."

Jared barely heard him. Richard had a gentle hand on his face, looked at him with such naked joy - oh gosh, his heart was beating so hard he was sure the guys in the front seat could hear it. Richard leaned in and kissed him. Then he did it again. Jared kissed back, caught his top lip, licked at his bottom lip, then Richard parted his lips for him, whimpered, his hand brushing at Jared's cheek.

"Hey!" Gilfoyle said. "If you guys start sucking each others dicks back there I'm driving this car off the next bridge."

"Aw, leave them alone," Dinesh said. "they haven't seen each other for a while."

"Jared," Gilfoyle tried again. "what happened?"

"Oh, it was uh," Jared took a deep breath, focussed. Richard had grabbed his hand and was grinning at him. "it was quite something!"

"It worked? It worked, right?"

"Um ah, yes." He cleared his throat. "Four days ago, Gavin called me up to let me know he'd cracked the MacBook drive you and Richard set up. You were right, he must have just implemented the algorithm without due diligence in order to get it ready for today."

Gilfoyle laughed. The sound was unsettling. 

"Your uh, your messages flashed up on the big screen-"

"They did! They did!" Dinesh said, he was scrolling the #HooliCon tag and watching clips on his phone. "Wow, somebody already started a meme account with this video of Gavin and his exploding phone set to different music clips." Lady Gaga's "Telephone" started playing off of Dinesh's phone's tinny speakers.

* * *

_**NO HOOLINET DETECTED**  
(MIT Technology Review) The HooliCon disaster is both Hooli's biggest scandal in what has been a year plagued with privacy concerns, whistleblowers and lawsuits, and probably the weirdest tech story of the year. HooliCon 2019 was going to be visionary founder Gavin Belson's redemption for the Hooli brand, rolling out a free-to-use mobile internet that would have made all of Hooli's apps accessible without Wifi or roaming. While critics were sceptical about how this could increase Hooli's stronghold on a userbase whose data has been exploited and exposed for years, it also generated a lot of excitement. While the PiperNet has offered a similar service for a while, Hooli's apps are more popular and offer a different array of services compared to the more idealistic PiperNet, which remains ad-free and committed to not harvesting user data. But when it came time for the big reveal, Belson's very own phone broadcasted the messages "the HooliNet was built on stolen tech" and, succinctly, "don't give your data to these a**holes", before exploding in his hand. Nobody has taken credit and Belson maintains he was hacked and sabotaged. An estimated two million phones have exploded worldwide and Hooli has set up a dedicated website for the myriad replacement claims, which could run into hundreds of millions of dollars. When reached for comment Richard Hendricks, Pied Piper CEO and so far the only person with functional p2p mobile internet technology said, "I'm like, on holiday, but it sounds to me like he messed with the wrong person". The FBI has launched an investigation._

* * *

Pied Piper's Maui project would start rolling out in a week, and Richard was going to oversee it himself. He had arranged a vacation so he could travel in a little earlier, and installed himself and Jared in a very nice hotel room overlooking the beach. The scuba diving was supposed to be lovely. And apparently there were trails close by which were just spectacular. They had every intention of getting around to them. Going outside was definitely on the list, high up there. 

Jared was sitting with his back against the padded headboard, and Richard was straddling his legs, his arms loosely linked around Jared's neck. Their naked skin did not bear much evidence of being on holiday in Maui as of yet, especially Jared was still as white as the crumpled up sheets beneath them. They were kissing lazily and Jared's hands travelled from where they held on to Richard's sharp shoulder blades to grope at his ass. Richard made a humming noise and started grinding his hips forward, into Jared's stomach. 

"I think that's a little optimistic, baby," Jared said. "not quite yet."

"Aww," Richard said, faux-annoyed. Then he smiled, sat down on Jared's thighs, hands falling down from where they'd been linked around his neck to rest gently at his waist. "I wish we'd met sooner," he said a little wistfully.

Jared reached out to stroke Richard's cheek with his knuckles. "I'm just glad we met at all."

"Yeah that's, uh, probably a better way of looking at it. Hey, there's one thing I've been meaning to ask. What are you going to do with the ten million?"

"Oh, I'd like to do some good with it!" Jared said brightly. "It's far too much money for one person. I already paid for a bunch of GoFundMes and donated to my favourite animal charities."

"That's not what I meant. Should you be like spending it?" Richard frowned. "Like uh, how are you going to explain it all to the IRS?"

Jared shrugged. "It's my money. I earned it fair and square."

"Umm"

"I have it in writing, actually, if anybody inquires," Jared said, reaching over to the nightstand for his phone and pulling up a scanned in document on it, showing Richard.

"Um, 'Jared Dunn is to be paid a lump sum of ten million dollars as a bonus'.... this is signed and stamped by Gavin Belson." Richard's eyebrows knitted together. "Is this real?"

"Mmhm," Jared nodded. "I made him give me proof of payment in writing. Of course, he could contest it, but considering he's under investigation after the HooliNet debacle, that would probably lead the FBI in a direction he doesn't want it to go."

"You don't think they'll go looking for ten million dollars paid out from Hooli to you specifically this recently?"

"Jared Patakian said he made the payment untraceable," Jared said. "I suppose it could come to all that, if enough wires cross, but it doesn't look very likely. It's in Gavin's interest to keep Pied Piper and my name away from the FBI."

Richard laughed. "So I'm fucking a millionaire. And they said I'd never make it."

"You know, there's one thing I'd really like to do with the money," Jared said.

"What?"

"Find a good foundation that gives out college scholarships to young people in the foster system and become a patron of that, or if I can't find one, make one myself."

"That's nice," Richard said, nodding. "why foster kids?"

"I grew up in the foster system," Jared said.

"Oh." Richard said, his voice went a little high. Then he sort of fell forward into an embrace. "What was that like?" he said into Jared's shoulder.

Jared's chest rose and fell with a big sigh. "Pretty bad." 

"Well that sucks," Richard said. "do you want to tell me about it?"

"Not right now. But I might want to one day."

"I'll listen," Richard said. "like, maybe I won't know what to say. But I'll listen, Jared."

"Thank you," Jared whispered. "there is one thing I'd like to tell you about."

Richard pulled back enough to look at him. "What?"

"The birds," Jared said, smiling. Richard smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG it's finally over! THANK YOU to everyone who read, liked, put up with me randomly rambling about opera, and left lovely supportive comments <3 <3 <3
> 
> (Also, visit russfest.net if you haven't already, I'm crying at how funny it is, the next episode needs to kick it up several notches to live up to it. THE PLAYLIST)


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